Sorry.

I don't know what else to say but sorry.

I deleted it,
I needed to

get
away.

But I couldn't.
And I'm back.

In my absence I..

..got into my first choice University.
Thus in 17 days I'm moving to the English south coast to study History. Excited much.

.. got myself into a semi-relationship,
I adore him. But we've maintained/are maintaining casualness this summer due to uni. I'm not sure how I feel about this, but I've definitely learned that

Time really is the enemy.

.. went to Reading, I won't bore you with the details, or lists of bands, it was just amazing.

.. avoided the scales.

I will catch up with you all. Sorry.


Time for a fresh start. To looking onwards and upwards eh?

Day 7 - Your Ex

I don't want to post the letter to B-Boy. Too
much.

________
Anyhow,
sorry for my little two day break,
1. I played the gig; went okay. Job done.
2. I've had so much family around
3. I've had so much food around.

I'm doing a mass thinspo search tonight.
Along with commenting and catching up.
xxxxxxxxxxxx

Day 6 - A stranger

Dear Boy in the Library,

You are beautiful.

And obviously like the library too as

I see you everyday,

(with your girlfriend)

She always looks grumpy,
come and sit with me instead?

I could make you happier, hah.

x

_____________________________________________

AHHH

Panic.

I've spent the whole night rehersing for my first proper gig tomorrow night at a little venue in the city,

a
b
s
o
l
u
t
e
l
y

shitting

i
t
.

This is worse than any exam nerves, I'm just gonna be shite

I should probably add that no reassurance from friends/family will placate me, or get this idea out of my head, I also managed to break my capo so I've got to get a new one before rehersals tomorrow, which will be all day, and it's all just pressure, pressure, pressure.

Blah blah blah.

Anyhow, did spend the day attempting to revise, however it ended up me just giggling to Bea about library boy and how hot he is.

Bloody hell he is hot.

Ate some sushi and a yogurt, 350 cals, however then I had a fricking muffin which I'm so angry with myself for having, so I took about 5 laxies straight after and I can safely say they've done their job. Would've just purged but I didn't want Bea to get weird.

Still disgusted though, eurgh.

Parents are arguing, thus I'm watching skins.
Forgotten how beaut Effy is; thus Effy, aka Kaya Scoladerio, thinspo is in order.

I love the last two

xxx

Day 5 - Your dreams

Dear Sub-Concious,

Why do you have to betray me?

As much as I can spend my days, attempting, rather poorly to block Theo out of my mind, I cannot escape from him in my dreams.

You highlight my weaknesses, but I can't ever remember you highlighting my strengths.

You've made me scared about Friday.
More scared than I was before.

But you are part of me, so I am at a loss.
__________________________________________________

There is nothing like a bit of Jeremy Kyle Show, followed by Trisha on a Wednesday morning. Paaah.
Sad as it is, it makes me feel better about my own life; these people are proper nutters.

Jezzy is such a babe.

Quite proud that yesterday was under three hundred calories;
- Fruit Pastell Ice Lolly (70 Calories)

- 1 Peppered Quorn Steak (97 Calories)

- Spinach and Tomato (20 Calories)

Some cawwfee, and SHIT loads of Peppermint Tea, it's quite possibly my favourite tea.

*******

I AM sorry that I keep moaning about exams, my social life has taken the brunt of the impact.
You know it's got bad when your Dad offers you money to go out and get drunk?!

But ONLY a week left kiddies, then it's my leavers ball and THEN my birthday, wheeey

Summer Goals: to be decided ; although it obviously goes without say that losing weight is a given.

Have a lovely day people.

this girl makes me wish I'd never cut my hair off.

arms. arms. arms. I have a real issue with my arms. I have a full length Grecian nude dress for my leavers ball, but my arms just look disgusting and doughy.

b e a u t i f u l

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)

Dearest Brother Bo,

Nothing in the entire world smells nicer to me than your hair when it's just been washed.
It's the biggest comfort to me to smell and know you're still innocent about the badness in the world,

I'll miss you the most when I go to uni.

x
(ps. don't tell the others)

__________________________________________________________--

That letter may seem creepy, but bear in mind Bo is only 2 and  he is simply to cutest thing.
Also, sorry that these letters are boring for everyone else.

So, had a big exam today, could have actually been a lot worse - Psychology;
example question ..
 25 marks on the origins of eating disorders.

Fun times.

Post-exam..
I got forced to eat a English muffin with eggs with my friend B, which I reckon was around 400 calories.
Purged some lasange.
Purged some ice-cream.

I am a pig.

Cycled around 10 miles, and if I can summon the energy I will go for a run on my usual track which I discovered, through this gem of a site; http://www.runfinder.co.uk/ , is around 5 miles.

However I have been up since 6 so the likelihood of that happening is slim..

Day Three - Your Parent

Dear Pops,

I'm sorry if I made you sad today by asking you about your own Dad, and I'm sorry I didn't get you a proper present for Father's Day. Mum's right; I am selfish.

"I don't have a Dad"
was your response, and in that single moment I had to clench my fist so hard not to cry, because you really are such a wonderful Dad, and your pain hurts me.

I'm sorry for all the things I done to make you hurt, and I'm ashamed of the way I've acted to you at times. I want to make you proud in life. I am proud that you are my Dad.

I'm sorry for ever, ever uttering the words, "I hate you", because in those moment I remind myself of mum and it pains me. It actually physically pains me to think I'm am her.

I have to keep reminding myself, as much as I am her, I am you too.
And as long as I model myself on you, I know I'll be okay.

You should know that you not only inspire me, you inspire others around you.

I love you with all my heart.
xxxxxxxxxxx

____________________________________________________________

Reading some of the blogs tonight, I feel inferior.
I'm becoming a recluse.
My friend popped round to see me today because she said I "sounded sad on the phone".
It was nice, lovely infact,
she asked me show her my summer ball dress, I oblidged, shuffling awkwardly down the stairs

"Stop slouching, if you stood up straight you'd look 6 pounds smaller" - Wisdom from the mother,

but Flower told me I looked like a princess.

but
then
she
had
to
go

gone.

And I was sad again,
standing in a ridiculous dress that made me look like a fat five year old. and arms the size of thighs all hanging in their disgusting splendour.

you see

everything is so, instantaneous,
at the moment.

Nothing lasts, but there is no moving on, I
feel like I will be infinitely stuck between exams,

emotions come, and they go,
the rest of the time I feel nothing.

I want to go and get fucked up and lie in a field in the sun listening to the Smiths.

I'm so fucking melodramatic.

Get

over

yourself

Florence.

Day 2 — Your Crush

Tory Boy,

You're obnoxious, self-centred and arrogant 90% of the time.

But in that other 10%,

you

are

simply
wonderful.

I like that you're not afraid to be sensitive
(sometimes)
when you tell me what scares you;
you really can be sweet.

and when you stroke my back and tell me its going to be okay,

even if it's not

and

smile,

it blinds me.

it's that 10% that matters.

____________________________________________________________

I really will post some decent post soon, that aren't just letters to people that mean little to anyone else but me!

So for now, just some thinspo.

I love this picture so much

ribs n' blades.

Day 1 — Your Best Friend

BB,
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that night happened. And I'm sorry I didn't more to stop them.

I was a coward.

And
I've regretted it every day since.
You deserved so much more from me than what I gave.

I am sorry from the bottom of my heart
That you had to find me in the way I was;
all broken.

But I want you to know, that there was nothing you could have done
so I don't ever want you to feel guilty.


And I promise to strive, for the rest of my days if I have to, to make it up to you.

As for now;
you need help.
Like I did.
You need to let me help you. You need to let Lizzie help you.

I know this sounds the most hypocritical thing, but you need to let us close,
all we want is to be there for you.

You will get through this,
you, to me - are simply wonderful.

You're intelligent and beautiful, but this hole that you're in, is trapping you and you need to get out before there's no escape.




_____________________________________________________________________

Time passes.
The library drags.

I eat more than I intend.
Do a little less revision than I intend.

I can't let go of the past.
Why the fuck am I going to do a degree in dwelling on the past?

Fuck.

P.S.

I'm starting this as of tomorrow, the letters I mean.

No more hiding.

x

x

A-Levels have been eating my soul.
And study leave has left my eating myself into a hole.

I'm sorry I went away,
I have been reading, occasionally commenting, but seriously revision has absorbed me.
I have 2 more left, and then I will be a free woman.

I'm tempted to delete this.

But I can't.

No,

I want to start fresh.
I want to be pure.

So,

I'm stealing this from the lovely, Hazel at Thinner than Yesterday,

The idea is you write how you feel.


Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror


I will write letter's,
Which I doubt I will post.

But sometimes that is enough.
I want to rid myself of baggage. I need to let it out.

Sorry

I was going to leave.

I just logged on with the intent of deleting this and hiding.
I can't.


I'm sorry
x

Broken

I failed.

I broke.

I binged.

I feel disgusting and I want to die.

I was sitting happy on a 500 calorie day, but a cheesecake and a sandwich later takes me up to a disgusting 1300.

I'm so disgusted with myself.
I've purged what I can, I got quite a lot up but it's still unbearable.

Tonight I'm going to a sit up for every calorie I binged.

Thank you to the beautful Katie at Skinnybuisness.

For my beautful blogger award; it really does mean a lot, so thank you very much my darling.

I will post my seven secrets/facts later I just want to think really hard about them before I do :)

I will also be passing this lovely gesture on to some of you other beauties.

The past two days have been a struggle at times.

Feeding my little brother ice-cream earlier was a struggle.

Yesterday was 200 calories. Today 350.

I've just come back from a 3 mile jog; I had to get out of the house, I was too scared I was going to binge.

Both today and yesterday I've done the nine mile cycles, and yesterday was a 500 calorie gym burn.

I had to get out of the sauna- I was seeing white spots.

I want this so badly.

I'm going to shower and then read in bed. I have to resist this.

It's been three days without binging.

xxxxxxxxx

Work. Coke. Bike. Sleep. Repeat.

Once again; posting from the college library.



Revision feels like it’s eating my soul.



But I can’t complain, the shifting of all my focus on to these 3 subjects, History, Psychology and Media, isn’t allowing my focus to shift on to anything else.



My room is tidier than it’s been in a while,

My life is embedded in a ridiculously little amount of drama.



For me anyway.



When I look back from the posts from the last exam season, January, my weight loss is the same



focused,



I am better under stress.



Just two bottles of diet coke so far today, soup for dinner I think.



Shall be biking the usual nine miles, but with a bit of a de-tour to the gym;



a place that hasn’t seen my face in a while.



xxxxxxx





ps. Probably worth mentioning that I mean coke of the diet variety in the title, no class A’s for me yet this term.

187 calories.

I feel like I'm slowly but surely getting back on track, after the booze fuelled weekend, strict restriction is the only answer.
My stomach feels like
its
 eating
 itself.

Standing up I feel faint.

I feel good right now.
I've missed this.

9 miles today, gym tomorrow.

I need to update my sidebar and comment on all your blogs but my bed is calling me...

Florence...

Ya see.

Tonight I've been revising Psychology - Eating Behaviours.
Oh the irony.

Love love love

xxxxx

Blur.

Too many coco pops.
A veggie subway.
Something consumed around wine 'o' clock. Crisps?

Fast for the rest of the weekend.


People keep saying I look skinnier. I don't see it. Or feel it.

xxxxxx

Revision with friends = Pizza.

Pizza. Cake making. Chocolate

Sneaky purge.
Pretend I just took my make up off.
6 laxatives. Pray that tomorrow I haven't gained.

Quick post. Watching film. Friend on the floor.
Lack of sentences.
Lololol.

xxxxxxxxx

The end of an Era

Firstly, thank you for the lovely comments on the last couple of blogs - you guys are amazing.

On to more pressing matters, today is the first day under our new PM, David Cameron. Bye, bye Gordon. *cries*.
I am a Labour girl at heart, and as much as I dislike the Conservatives, they did get the most votes. I just can't bring myself to back a party who voted against the passing of Gay marriage and adoption, as well as banning of fox hunting. The vegetarian side of me has a heart after all.

Prime Minister David Cameron

I won't be one of those people that will grovel and moan about them, because in all honesty I'm sure they'll do some good things.

What does annoy me however, is that we've ended up with Nick Clegg as deputy PM, when actually the Labour party got at least 5 times the amount the Liberal Democrats did. Where is the democracy in that eh?

Enough of politics.

Yesterday was good, 400 calories - 9 miles of biking.
Today, so far, only 2 cans of Diet coke, a couple of black coffees and some herbal tea, plus 10 miles of biking.
I have work at 5, so I'll be biking there and back too, I'm guessing another 4 miles, not sure whether to have some soup or at least something, as I'm not actually trying to completely fast. Hmmm.

I can feel the shape of my legs changing; but I want these.

xxxx

P.S. I can't comment on any blogs! It keeps coming up with an error; I'll try again later.

Popping veins and forgotten love hearts.

I couldn't summon the will to get out of bed this morning. I slept until 12ish until I couldn't sleep anymore.

I glanced in the mirror. SHIT.
What the fuck has happened to my face, or more importantly, my eyelids.
All that purging last night has popped all the veins around my eyes, so not only am I fat, I am fat and ugly and look like I've been beaten up.

I've tried to be productive today, but mostly I've moved around furniture in my room, avoiding revison, watching Jeremy Kyle and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I had visions of have a massive clear out, clearing out all the shit in my life.

But mostly it just feels like I'm uncovering more shit, and after TWO years of him planting them around this room, I am STILL finding tiny red love heart sequins that my ex left as a surprise.

I found one and it felt like I'd been punched in the stomach.

I am going round in circles.


xxxx

Fire

My mother just called me downstairs, there is a house down our road on fire.
I threw on my dressing gown and dug in my cupboard for slippers, and trudged outside.

Lights.
Engines.
Smoke.
And the sound of smashing glass.

I can't imagine.
Everything you own. Literally everything. 
Up in smoke.

I feel so bloody useless, just standing in the road, a little closer stand more people.
Does oogling the destruction, the destruction of a persons wellbeing, their life, really make it any better?

So I've come back inside, started typing and here we are then.

I hope nobody is hurt. And I hope that it will be okay.
I can hear the mechanics outside, and the occasional breaking of more glass, and it can feel the rumbling against my window.

I don't want to look outside, it feels too personal. I feel like I am intruding on the beginning of the end.

Sometimes I feel so insignificant.

Binge

Please dear god give me some motivation.

I ate well all day. 500 cals.
Then mid-way through the breaks in Glee. Binge.
I tried to vom but it was just not happening. Now I just feel fatter, my face and eyes are puffy and I want to die.

Oh I really need to get a fucking grip. Just re-reading that sentence makes me feel pathetic.
I'm not sorry for posting like this because it is how I feel.

I'm sick of apologising for everything about me.

Bon bon bon

Sorry I haven't posted much this week, I don't even really have an excuse, I think I've just been putting it off because I've been eating shit.

I've haven't gained. But I haven't lost.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=62i9Sodwp5o
Only love is all maroon.

Expect a proper library post tomorrow. xxxxxxxx

Laxatives

I really need to stop relying on laxatives.
Anyone who says that they don't work is lying.
But I can't keep using them to cleanse me.

This weekend was a good one- life wise.
A bad one - food wise.

This post is shit, but I am tired, I will post properly tomorrow my loves - need to have a catch up on the blogs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

La Roux, The Seaside and Pizza

Last night was a m a z i n g, I had such a good night.

I drank. Surprise surprise.
But stuck to vodka and sweated like a pig dancing.

We got some chips after, but they stayed in me all of five minutes and I weighed myself this morning and there was no change from yesterday, which is a fucking relief.

Today I went to visit where I'm going to uni, I fell in love with it.
The winding landscape and the never-ending sky is pure beauty. The smell of the sea and the breeze on the pier. And the winding alleyways of hidden gems and tiny pubs with so much character. AH I LOVE IT.

It felt safe.

I will spend the next three years pretending I'm a Mod from Quadrophenia, getting high and listening to Northern Soul and the Who.

With some History degree on the side.
Bring it on.

As for the rest of the day,
I had to have lunch with my dad, it was inescapable, Pizza Hut buffet.....
Lucky I brought 40 Ducolax whilst pops was in Waterstones..

I managed to purge a tiny bit too, but it was too risky as I didn't want to ruin the day with my dad.

xxxxxxxxx

Zombie

I literally walked around for the first half of the day feeling like I was about to keel over.
I couldn't even bring myself to bike in - I'm such a lazy fuck.

After two coffees and FOUR, yes FOUR bottles (500ml) of diet coke - I was starting to feel semi - normal, but in the last half hour since I've gotten home I've crashed again.

Am definitely going to have to whip out the old pro plus for La Roux tonight, I also figure the general sweatiness of the two and a half hour gig should be burning calories, I'm upping ftom 500 to 800 cals just for today, because I really am going to need my energy tonight.

Sorry I can't remember who posted this picture recently, but I felt it fitting for the post.

xxxxxxxxx

Mars Ice Creams - 148 calories ; fucking amazing.

Sober.. continued

Apologies for the rushing below, and also for the atrocious spelling mistakes - my bad.

Ended up having a 200 calorie salad and quorn dinner - leaving me at a total of 500 calories for the day. My number.  :)

Feeling so tired so looking forward to bed this evening, I'm just going to force myself to finish some Psychology and give my room a hoover. What a wild life I'm leading.

Also, meant to be going to a party on Saturday dressed as a song title.. Any suggestions?

xxxxxxxxxx

Speaking of music - remember ages ago I said I'd do an Amy Winehouse post because I love her; I WILL do it soon I promise, but here is some thinspo of her anyway.

Sober

I am definitely back. And I love it.

Food is so easy to dismiss again. When my mind wanders in class, it's not to hunger, it is to ways to burn, and envisaging how I will look when I reach thin.

I can do this.

Enough of the la di da,
300 calories in counting today, soup for dinner.

I've set myself new targets in my diary, so fingers crossed.

I've made the executive decison to only drink once a week at social events, so I'm saving myseld for Saturday as I'm going to two parties, one after the other, and my best friend from London is coming up. Excited.

Going to La Roux tomorrow night, sober.

I have to go because I'm being kicked out the library for closing.

xxxxxxx

Paranoia

I was going to attempt to write a post in the college library, however people keep coming up behind me and writing it directly on to blogger is making me paranoid, thus this being typed directly into word – what a thrilling fact for you all to know.


I’ve got to bum around college for a few hours because I’ve got a work meeting at 6 and it just seems pointless to go home first, as home is on the other side of the city.

Food wise today could be better, could be worse.

Had a cheesy salad thing for lunch.. which I should have skipped but I’m just too fucking weak, (370 cals), followed by a FAB lolly, which tasted fucking good in the heat. (90 cals), planning on just telling my mum I ate at the work meeting tonight as they do generally have loads of food there, this means I have to remember also not to fucking eat at the work meeting.

Also, I biked my usual nine miles, so got some exercise in there too.

I keep saying fucking a lot today, apologies, I think the stress of everything is building, and I’m chain smoking like a motherfucker again. Whoops there goes my potty mouth again.

Never mind, no-one reads this shit anyway.

I really am putting off an essay due.

Instead I’m sitting here wishing vampires were real, reading your blogs, wishing I hadn’t had all my hair cut off and generally bathing in self loathing.

On a more positive note, I get paid on Friday – Hallelujah!

This means I can finally book my Benicassim Ticket! See the line-up here…
Nine days camping by the beach in Spain starting on the 12th of July, this gives me 76 days until I have to be beach ready. Fuck my life.

Good day to you all.

xxx

P.s. I also firmed my Uni choices. Scary.

I had forgotten..

Just how satisfying that was.

xxxxxxx

So I'm fine until I eat..

Talk about stating the blinking obvious.

By what I actually mean is, I can go days when I don't eat a thing, and I feel fine - but then as soon as I eat one thing that is slightly naughty; todays example being a cheesey topped salad from tesco, I seem to go into a feeding frenzy...

Cue..
One bowl of pasta,
3 chocolate mini gingerbread men,
2 mini bags of Mcvities cookies,
and TWO BREAD ROLLS

What the fuck is wrong with me..

I'm off to spend some time with a friend I haven't seen in a while, Mia,
which is incidentally probably one of the reasons my arse has gotten so fat.

Fml.

xx

Sleepy

I've managed to go the weekend on about 10 hours sleep, so apologies for the lazy post.

I think the only proper meal I had was yesterday evening - a small bowl of pasta, and then the rest has been pickings. I have however drunk loads, "What a surprise..", I hear you say.

All in all, actually had a good weekend, went to two good parties without texting the wanker boy.
This means that for once in my life, I don't have to try and rectify my drunken wrongs on a Monday morning.

Well played.
Aiming to lose 5lb in the next week.. We'll see.

thinspo thinspo thinspo

I really need to start revising and stop obsessively reading Twilight.

Florence x

R.I.P Bella x

Shocked and saddenned right now.

http://aperfectsatisfaction.blogspot.com/

xxxxx

Libraries

I like libraries, they are one of my favourite places.
It sounds really lame, but I like the fact everybody keeps themselves to theirselves in libraries. I could sit all afternoon and not be bothered. It's nice to be alone.

The sun has been glorious today and have spent the afternoon laying about outside college rather than finish some coursework due tomorrow, oops.

I'm only a hop, skip and conclusion away, so I'm not panicing too much.

I had my a fitting today for the fashion show I'm modelling for.
"So okay, if you'd like to just go into that room and take your clothes off, the designers will be in one by one to dress you and take picture."

Cue PANIC.

I got up early this morning to shave my legs etc, and make sure I was wearing matching underwear, but nothing could prepare me for the horror of having to stand in that room and take my clothes off. I could feel my face going redder and redder, why am I here? why am I here?, it was awful.

Everything fitted apart from one pair of high waisted trousers, which were about an inch too small around the waist. I just kept apologising to the designer, and she was lovely and just kept saying, "Don't worry everyone has different shapes", true- but mine just happens to be that of a fucking monster.

I have to go back for another fitting next week. I am determined to lose that inch.

I have also found out that the best friend of my ex-boyfriends new girlfriend is also in the show, which means that new girlfriend will most likely come to watch. Even more motivation to be skinny.

Can I also just take a moment to comment on a topic that came up in the lovely Shrinking Violets blog; the general election, the second of the live debates is on tonight, so sorry if later on tonight I post a long ranting blog about the state of politics in our dear country. This will probably be followed by another long rant concerning my frustration at not being able to vote in the forthcoming election due to me being a whole TWO MONTHS too young. Gutted. So advance apologies for those, either not in the UK, or quite simply not giving a shit about politics (not that I judge).

Food wise today has been okay; I've had a banana, a bottle of kick and a creme egg, which I know was naughty, leaving me totting up around 300-350. Dinner will consist of either salad or soup.

I promise to do a thinspo post soon, I'm posting this from a college computer so I can't, but possibly even tonight.

Hope you're all okay.

Florence xxxxxxx

Melody

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iEQIl5l8krk

xxxxxxxxxxxx

Ew.

Oh and also, I had another fitting for the catwalk show I'm in tomorrow, but I cancelled - because I literally feel too disgusting to function.

x

Sober

I've decided I really do need to stop drinking.
My days are fine, I stick to my diet coke, my salad and my apples - that is not the problem.

Drinking is a big part of my social life, and it's actually quite sad that, bar college, I'm guessing at least 90% of my social life revolves around alcohol.

Not only does drunkness bring drunk texting, and general ruining of my life.. it brings binging - big time binging.

I need to just stop.

Exam season is nigh, so hopefully I can see loss like January exam season.

My best friends Grandmother died today.
It's got me thinking a lot about the world, the stars and the universe. Rest in peace.

Florence xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

FINALLY MY LAPTOP IS FIXED

Hello my pretties!
Sorry for the complete unexplained absence! I managed to crack my laptop screen - yes, I am a dickhead, so I've been without the internet for AGES.

Going to have a massive catch up on all your blogs tonight. And get back in the game.

Not much has happened of great significance this easter:

Been to a few parties.

Kissed "boy" far too much, even though he is an idiot.

Eaten. Too much

Drank. Copious amounts.

Revised. Nil.

Worked. Too much.

Progress to 112 lb. Nil.


xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Florence

So little time!

I have so much I need to do tonight! Blogging is one of them.

Bear
with
me.
xx

Trying to be a little clearer

Woah, I just re-read over what I posted in the early hours of this morning, and my my that was a little confusing lol, completely take your point Violet, haha.

Basically, the boy who I like, and have been kind of getting with from time to time, got with another girl in front of me last night.

I didn't mind too much, because it would never be my right to be annoyed.

But what did annoy me is that when I got in, I decided to check out her blog; only to find she'd posted a blow by blow account of the whole night, including her conversation with him, about me.

I barely know this girl. She knew I liked him.

The confusing bit about the whole story, is that I was on one your lovely blogs, and I saw that she'd left a comment - she has which blogs she's following hidden, but through a bit of extra stalking (hahaha) I basically saw that she was following a lot of Pro-Ana blogs.

That my friends, is why it is a small world.


I'm a dickhead really, because later I was getting with him, why do I allow boys to rule me. It's stupid.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

It's a small world

NB. I am editing this post because I realise I didn't explain it very well.

There is someone on here, who I recently discovered follows someone from my college/vice versa. There are a whole ring of girls from my college who have blogs, some whom are lovely people, but not many I could call a friend.

And obviously my blog is, as I intend to keep it, completely anonymous, so it came as quite a surprise when I saw her leave a comment on a blog. Not even the fact that she's pro-ana, just the fact she was there.

In my bubble.

Anyway, one of them, who I'm not going to lie, I sometimes have a little read up of her blog, was particularly lovely to me tonight, so when I came in just now I thought I'd have a little read of her blog.

Foremost.

I saw her kiss him. I didn't mind. I don't have a hold on him.

But.

She just wrote about me on her blog. And what he said about me to her.
It wasn't even bad.

Then, why does it still hurt?

Procrastination

So I'm sitting in the computer area at college which is, for once, quiet enough to allow me for have a catch up on all your lovely blogs. I should actually be completing my media coursework which is due in tomorrow.. But you know how it goes.

Trying to stick to just liquids, fruit and soup; or that's what the plan is,  so far today I've had an apple and 2 bottles of diet cherry coke, my favourite.

I reckon I'll be at college tonight until they kick me out - this coursework really is a bitch. But on the plus side it will keep me busy and away from the kitchen.

On another note, I got paid today! Woooop, my aim is to not spend ANY on food. Thus saving myself a whole lot of pennies, any money that I would have spent on food I shall save and spend on something amazing, something that I haven't quite decided yet, but perhaps one of the old Bright Eyes albums that I haven't got yet.

I've finished lessons for the day, but my college holds lunchtime concert things and I went along at lunch with a few friends, sat next to my ex, and we were getting along nicely, flirting, but I mustn't let myself get attached again; something that I know could all too easily happen.

On the advice of Kemper at Choke on Air I decided to check out my Natal chart on an astrology website,

I was a bit dubious at first, but seriously surprised.

"Sun in Cancer natives have a strong survival instinct. They are protective of those they care about, and of themselves too. They are often quite reticent about sharing their inner selves to the rest of the world, and are often caught up in reminisce. Cancers have a reputation for moodiness, although this trait is most evident when the Moon is in Cancer. Cancer needs roots. They resist change to an extent, and concern themselves about being secure and safe in most everything they do. Cancers can be quite intrigued by objects with history attached to them -- antiques, photos, souvenirs, and the like. "

That is me.

You get a whole load of stuff about what you're like depending on all the planets, and I haven't read it all yet (as I am painfully aware of the fact I should be doing some coursework), but I will do later. I also wouldn't want to bore you all. But seriously check it out, could be a good distraction.
http://astro.cafeastrology.com/cgi-bin/astro/natal


 
Speaking of distractions, I really should get stepping.
 
Hope you're all having a good day.
Florence xxx

Bright Eyes

I've spent the last two hours reading Bright Eyes lyrics.
Here are some of my favourite.
They're all I want to consume at the moment.


"Well, you’re probably right

But at least I’m not blind to the facts
I’ve been wishing were lies
But still I hope you get everything
That you care to possess
And unbelievable sex with him
Or any one of my friends
But just don’t ask about my appetite
I didn’t lose it tonight
No, it’s been gone half my life
It’s just act, I’ve been eating for you"


"You said you would be my dream. I could have you every night

and if, by morning, I had forgotten you, well, no big deal, it would be all right
'cause you are the reoccurring kind.
You are the reoccurring kind.
You never really leave my mind."


"You’re looking skinny like a model with your eyes all painted black
You just keep going to the bathroom always say you’ll be right back
Well it takes one to know one, kid, I think you’ve got it bad
But what’s so easy in the evening, by the morning is such a drag.

I’ve got a flask inside my pocket we can share it on the train
If you promise to stay conscious I will try and do the same
We might die from medication, but we sure killed all the pain

But what was normal in the evening, by the morning seems insane.
And I’m not sure what the trouble was that started all of this
The reasons all have run away but the feeling never did
It’s not something I would recommend, but it is one way to live
Cause what is simple in the moonlight, by the morning never is
What’s so simple in the moonlight, now is so complicated
What’s so simple in the moonlight, so simple in the moonlight"

"I'm staring out into that vacuum again

from the back porch of my mind
the only thing that's alive, I'm all there is
and I start attacking my vodka
stab the ice with my straw
my eyes have turned red as stoplights
you seem ready to walk
you know I'll call you eventually
when I wanna talk, 'til then you're invisible
cause there's this switch that gets hit
and it all stops making sense
and in the middle of drinks
maybe the fifth or the sixth
I'm completely alone at a table of friends
I feel nothing for them
I feel nothing, nothing."

"And I sat watching a flower


As it was withering

I was embarrassed by its honesty

So I'd prefer to be remembered as a smiling face

Not this fucking wreck

That's taken its place



So please forgive what I have done

No you can't stay mad at the setting sun

Cause we all get tired, I mean eventually

There is nothing left to do but sleep"

Wallowing.

I feel alone at the moment.

I can sit in a room with my friends and I feel alone.
I'm thinking a lot about good and bad, and about the world, and about where I'm going in life.
Everything seems so insignificant at the moment. I feel insignificant.
I, I, I.. All I think about is myself.. Jesus I've fucked things up.

I can't find solice in your blogs because I envy each and every one of you.
I just want to wallow.
Which is even more pathetic.

I just want to start fresh.

READING READING READING

OH MY OH MY OH MY

LIBERTINES LIBERTINES LIBERTINES LIBERTINES

I am so amazingly psyched right now, got a reading ticket, line up is amazing, all time favourite band are playing, thought I'd never get the chance to see them. So happy.

I've eaten like a pig today, but nothing can detract from my happiness right now.

Flo xxx

Coming up only to hold you under

I recieved a facebook message from boy I like.. after we'd had the .. "there's no point getting involved in anything serious as we're off to different uni's soon" conversation a couple of days ago..
this is all it said..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vN5uYlmOClE

Sweet. But seriously.

What is wrong with the male species, I've been trying to give him some space. Why am I doing it to myself, I am a masochistic beast.

Anyhow, aim for this week pretty straightforward, no more than 500 a day.

Here's some thinspo because it helps. Helps to remind me that I got a long way to go.

bones bones bones

Florence xxxxxx

Oops.

Well what a massive fail of a week this has been..
My downfall.. alcohol.
Monday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday - I was drunk.

On Wednesday I had my measurements taken for this modelling thing I'm doing,
I spent the entire 45 minutes there paranoid as fuck.
Convinced all the designers would be like why the fuck is this fat bitch here.
I have 4 or 5 more fittings before the show, and shoots etc, so I need to slim down QUICK.

Rah. This post isn't really going anywhere, I'm not in the mood to post.

I've only had 3 hours sleep and a whole lot to think, and I'm on a right caffiene come down after copious amounts of coffee and a 9 hour shift; I'm starting to get proper withdrawals from it.. yesterday I was getting serious headaches, over easter I may just do a giant detox.

A detoxing of my life is definitely in order.

Beautiful.

See what I mean, my thoughts are a wee bit scattered. So after yet another long ass shift at work tomorrow, I will do a proper post.

Florence
xxxxxxxx

I love diet coke.

Of course my weekend plan didn't go as smoothly as i'd hoped..
Stuck to around 500 Friday and yesterday, today.. well lets just say I didn't.. purged A LOT, but then again also ate alot.. scales are telling me 156lb.. which is down two pounds.. but we'll see in the morning..

Tomorrow is Monday. I like Mondays. I like the distraction of college.
I enjoy keeping busy at college, I'm feeling pretty determined and I'm pretty sure this week will be seeing me just fill up on diet coke :)

I'll be biking nine miles a day, now I've got a new bike; and the majority of your will know I was devastated when I lost my old one through my own drunken foolishness!
So that's the exercise sorted. Gym on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday too.

Calorie wise I'm aiming for no more than 400 a day, this will mainly consist of apples and soup, and of course my beloved Diet Coke.

Her thighs are beautiful

Although, actually, tomorrow night I'm going out, not planning on eating in the day, so maybe an apple before I go out, and then I'll stick to Vodka Coke to save some calories.

This post seems very formal. I'm just relaying my plans for the week in a really rigid way, sorry it's not very readable.

Me... tomorrow....probably (note.. not actually me in this pic, just saying I'll probably end up on the floor)

Semi-anxious for tomorrow in all honesty.. boy will be out.. he will let me down/ I'll be hideously drunk and text him stupid texts/ I will want to cry = Florence feels like a fool.


xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Wild Weekend

I've successfully fasted all day and it is currently 17:09... a pivitol point in the day.. it's all make or break from here.

I'm not going out tonight; so need to worry about alcohol calories or anything, no late night drunken binging - which seems to be my downfall, late night sober binging however.. must stay strong.. planning to just avoid the kitchen and get an early night.

So much for a "wild weekend".

Plan for the weekend is just to avoid food as much as possible; which I think is achivable.

Tomorrow I'm working 9-6, then off to see a friends play which hopefully won't finish till late, the most i'll consume is a glass of wine or so in the lobby, and on an empty stomach I don't think I'll need much more; a win win situation in my opinion. 

Then Sunday, I'm working all day again, although Sunday dinner may be a problem, but one meal over the entire weekend is the not utter end of the world. 

Finally finished the eating disorder topic today, phew, although of course it's not the end as I'm going to have to revise it all, but at least that can be in my own privacy. Ironically, our next topic is Aggression; much more appropriate, haha.

On another note, found out the boy I like ALSO got with someone else on Monday.. I have no right to be annoyed about this. As so did I.

But I still am..
Apparently there's pictures of it on facebook.. I don't want to look, but I know he's detagged himself.

What a pickle.

My friends and I also decided where we're going on holiday today, or more so I just let them decide, I'm not particularly bothered, each place will just be as tacky as the next, however I am bothered by the ever approaching summer.. bikini season is almost upon us ladies, (and any gents reading) and I'm sure as hell not ready. It doesn't help that all my friends are tiny. I cannot be the fat one of the group.

I will not be the fat one of the group.

In other news, my friend from work has asked me to be her model for her degree show, which is flattering, apparently they don't want to use overly skinny models.

Brilliant. I was chosen because I was fat, well you know what I mean.

I know I should still be flattered, however its just another reminder that I am not what I want to be.

Sorry to end on a sombre note,

Have a good weekend guys, I'll probably post on Sunday evening

xxxxxxxxxxxx Florence