Broken

I failed.

I broke.

I binged.

I feel disgusting and I want to die.

I was sitting happy on a 500 calorie day, but a cheesecake and a sandwich later takes me up to a disgusting 1300.

I'm so disgusted with myself.
I've purged what I can, I got quite a lot up but it's still unbearable.

Tonight I'm going to a sit up for every calorie I binged.

Thank you to the beautful Katie at Skinnybuisness.

For my beautful blogger award; it really does mean a lot, so thank you very much my darling.

I will post my seven secrets/facts later I just want to think really hard about them before I do :)

I will also be passing this lovely gesture on to some of you other beauties.

The past two days have been a struggle at times.

Feeding my little brother ice-cream earlier was a struggle.

Yesterday was 200 calories. Today 350.

I've just come back from a 3 mile jog; I had to get out of the house, I was too scared I was going to binge.

Both today and yesterday I've done the nine mile cycles, and yesterday was a 500 calorie gym burn.

I had to get out of the sauna- I was seeing white spots.

I want this so badly.

I'm going to shower and then read in bed. I have to resist this.

It's been three days without binging.

xxxxxxxxx

Work. Coke. Bike. Sleep. Repeat.

Once again; posting from the college library.



Revision feels like it’s eating my soul.



But I can’t complain, the shifting of all my focus on to these 3 subjects, History, Psychology and Media, isn’t allowing my focus to shift on to anything else.



My room is tidier than it’s been in a while,

My life is embedded in a ridiculously little amount of drama.



For me anyway.



When I look back from the posts from the last exam season, January, my weight loss is the same



focused,



I am better under stress.



Just two bottles of diet coke so far today, soup for dinner I think.



Shall be biking the usual nine miles, but with a bit of a de-tour to the gym;



a place that hasn’t seen my face in a while.



xxxxxxx





ps. Probably worth mentioning that I mean coke of the diet variety in the title, no class A’s for me yet this term.

187 calories.

I feel like I'm slowly but surely getting back on track, after the booze fuelled weekend, strict restriction is the only answer.
My stomach feels like
its
 eating
 itself.

Standing up I feel faint.

I feel good right now.
I've missed this.

9 miles today, gym tomorrow.

I need to update my sidebar and comment on all your blogs but my bed is calling me...

Florence...

Ya see.

Tonight I've been revising Psychology - Eating Behaviours.
Oh the irony.

Love love love

xxxxx

Blur.

Too many coco pops.
A veggie subway.
Something consumed around wine 'o' clock. Crisps?

Fast for the rest of the weekend.


People keep saying I look skinnier. I don't see it. Or feel it.

xxxxxx

Revision with friends = Pizza.

Pizza. Cake making. Chocolate

Sneaky purge.
Pretend I just took my make up off.
6 laxatives. Pray that tomorrow I haven't gained.

Quick post. Watching film. Friend on the floor.
Lack of sentences.
Lololol.

xxxxxxxxx

The end of an Era

Firstly, thank you for the lovely comments on the last couple of blogs - you guys are amazing.

On to more pressing matters, today is the first day under our new PM, David Cameron. Bye, bye Gordon. *cries*.
I am a Labour girl at heart, and as much as I dislike the Conservatives, they did get the most votes. I just can't bring myself to back a party who voted against the passing of Gay marriage and adoption, as well as banning of fox hunting. The vegetarian side of me has a heart after all.

Prime Minister David Cameron

I won't be one of those people that will grovel and moan about them, because in all honesty I'm sure they'll do some good things.

What does annoy me however, is that we've ended up with Nick Clegg as deputy PM, when actually the Labour party got at least 5 times the amount the Liberal Democrats did. Where is the democracy in that eh?

Enough of politics.

Yesterday was good, 400 calories - 9 miles of biking.
Today, so far, only 2 cans of Diet coke, a couple of black coffees and some herbal tea, plus 10 miles of biking.
I have work at 5, so I'll be biking there and back too, I'm guessing another 4 miles, not sure whether to have some soup or at least something, as I'm not actually trying to completely fast. Hmmm.

I can feel the shape of my legs changing; but I want these.

xxxx

P.S. I can't comment on any blogs! It keeps coming up with an error; I'll try again later.

Popping veins and forgotten love hearts.

I couldn't summon the will to get out of bed this morning. I slept until 12ish until I couldn't sleep anymore.

I glanced in the mirror. SHIT.
What the fuck has happened to my face, or more importantly, my eyelids.
All that purging last night has popped all the veins around my eyes, so not only am I fat, I am fat and ugly and look like I've been beaten up.

I've tried to be productive today, but mostly I've moved around furniture in my room, avoiding revison, watching Jeremy Kyle and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I had visions of have a massive clear out, clearing out all the shit in my life.

But mostly it just feels like I'm uncovering more shit, and after TWO years of him planting them around this room, I am STILL finding tiny red love heart sequins that my ex left as a surprise.

I found one and it felt like I'd been punched in the stomach.

I am going round in circles.


xxxx

Fire

My mother just called me downstairs, there is a house down our road on fire.
I threw on my dressing gown and dug in my cupboard for slippers, and trudged outside.

Lights.
Engines.
Smoke.
And the sound of smashing glass.

I can't imagine.
Everything you own. Literally everything. 
Up in smoke.

I feel so bloody useless, just standing in the road, a little closer stand more people.
Does oogling the destruction, the destruction of a persons wellbeing, their life, really make it any better?

So I've come back inside, started typing and here we are then.

I hope nobody is hurt. And I hope that it will be okay.
I can hear the mechanics outside, and the occasional breaking of more glass, and it can feel the rumbling against my window.

I don't want to look outside, it feels too personal. I feel like I am intruding on the beginning of the end.

Sometimes I feel so insignificant.

Binge

Please dear god give me some motivation.

I ate well all day. 500 cals.
Then mid-way through the breaks in Glee. Binge.
I tried to vom but it was just not happening. Now I just feel fatter, my face and eyes are puffy and I want to die.

Oh I really need to get a fucking grip. Just re-reading that sentence makes me feel pathetic.
I'm not sorry for posting like this because it is how I feel.

I'm sick of apologising for everything about me.

Bon bon bon

Sorry I haven't posted much this week, I don't even really have an excuse, I think I've just been putting it off because I've been eating shit.

I've haven't gained. But I haven't lost.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=62i9Sodwp5o
Only love is all maroon.

Expect a proper library post tomorrow. xxxxxxxx

Laxatives

I really need to stop relying on laxatives.
Anyone who says that they don't work is lying.
But I can't keep using them to cleanse me.

This weekend was a good one- life wise.
A bad one - food wise.

This post is shit, but I am tired, I will post properly tomorrow my loves - need to have a catch up on the blogs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx