i am alive

shes a sensitive soul
the patchwork is parting, leaving gaping holes
need to get out of this city, get out of this town,
get out of the routine that's riding her down,

I love Cheryl Cole.

Today I can finally say, I feel back in control.

Had nothing to eat all day, got in and had a small apple, (80 cals), a ready made quorn cottage pie, (206) cals), and some steam fresh veg, (45 cals), so my total for the day is around 330 ish. Win.

Setting myself the limit of 350 cals per day, think this is definitely do-able, I always feel fine in the day so just a small meal at night suits me, plus it keeps the parents happy.

Got a positive outlook right now.
It can be done.

Oh and here's some Cheryl Cole, soon to be Tweedy again thinspo, because she's gorgeous and Ashley Cole's a wanker.

xxxxxxx

Hello!

Firstly, sorry for all the morose posts, I am in a much better place today :) and as cliche as it sounds tomorrow I am ready to kick start into ACTION.

This post isn't going to be a long one, but just thinspo thinspo thinspo, taking the time this evening to catch up on your blogs and get inspired!

Thank you for the comments on the couple of blogs, Ali Bella <3 you are a diamond (:

Going back to college tomorrow so thank god for a bit of routine!

Flo xxx

Sad

I am sad for many things right now.



I am sad for my mother. My mother who didn't have a mother, and doesn't know how to be a mother. I am sad that looking at her fills me with hate, when I know it should be love. I know this, yet I still cannot love her. I am sad that she is lonely. I am sad that she is bi-polar. Most of all I am sad that she has pushed her daughter away. I am sad, and scared that I will make those mistakes.



I am sad for my ex-best friend. Sad that she was in so much pain, emotionally, that she created a false persona behind which to hide. I am sad that she too, is lonely, scared and so far deep in her lies that she cannot distinguish the lies from reality. I am sad that she told me she was going to die. I am sad I was stupid enough to believe her and even sadder that I wasn't quick enough to help her. I'm sad that she miscarried her child, but also sad that this thought also relieves me as children are precious and need stability and love, two basic demands that ex-best friend does not have the capacity to give. This too, makes me sad.



I am sad for the ex-boyfriend of said ex-friend. I am sad that he too is in pain. I am sad too that life dealt him the wrong hand. I am sad that his reputation has been tarnished with lies, because he really does have a beautiful soul. I am sad that he feels helpless and scared. I am sad that he feels it's his responsibility to look after her. It is not.



I am sad for my father. I am sad that he is trapped. I am sad that I am selfish, I snap at him, sad that I scream at him and sad that my mother does the same. I am sad because I don't want to be her. I am sad because my Dad really is a working class hero, and he worked for everything he has. Everything I have. And still he feels like he's a nowhere man.
 
 
I am sad that I'm not everything I want to be. Or could be. But most of all I'm sad for them.

Is anybody out there?

Hello........?

Sorry I haven't posted in a while, I went away for a few days and now I'm too fat to fathom, and in all honestly I just didn't want to face you all. I've basically put on all the weight I lost since I started this blog.

I need to find my control. So I'm just setting myself at 300 calories a day.
We'll see what happens.

I'll post something more meaty tonight, looking forward to catching up on all your blogs.

Missed you all.

Flo xxxxx

WHY

I'm feeling in the ultimate fail mood, as you can probably gather by that feeble excuse for a post below.

SO WHY WOULD MY DAD JUST BRING A SLICE OF CHOCOLATE FUDGE CAKE TO MY ROOM!?!! WITH STRAWBERRIES AND CREAM!?!

WHY.

I want to cry.

I want to disappear.

I am a horse.

Sorry it's been a few days,
I've eaten like a horse. Been around people that just seem to want to feed me constantly. Rah.
Taken about 20 laxies that have done nothing.
Worked out today - approx 600 cals, but probably eaten about 10 times that.....

Modelled for my friend yesterday. I'm going to look disgusting in the photos. Eurgh. Just eurgh eurgh eurgh. My belly feels too full. I hate it.
Gym tomorrow.
New day. Restriction.

xxxxx

Don't think about the sauce

Eaten just below 500 and burned just below 500 :) But there's some left over pasta sauce in the kitchen and I'm am working so hard to not go and binge eat it all with some bread.
AH NO STOP THINKING ABOUT THIS...

thinspo thinspo thinspo thinspo thinspo

If I hide from it, I can't eat it. Sorted.

My gym are running a "bring your friends to the gym for free" week, mainly just so they can rope as many people in as possible to get their greedy mits on peoples money, but even so 2 of my closest Lizzie and Marie came with tonight.

They are both about 5 inches shorter than me, petite, and tiny.. :( I was definitely fitter than them on the machines, but still, eurgh. I hate myself. I can't wait for this fat to disappear.

When we were sitting on the exercise balls doing some crunches, Marie turned to me and was like, "Your legs look skinny, please don't get all disordered on me again.. ".

Brilliant. What am I meant to say to that, I turned over an laughed and choked out the blase response "Shut up. I like food. I won't".

Lizzie kept rather quiet, she knows me too well, but she would never say anything. I think she's flirted with EDNOS in that past.. Her sister lost about 60lb in like, 3 months .. and I think it sparked her into some kind of competition. It worked.

Don't think about the pasta sauce.

I don't even feel hungry. It's the texture.

If I eat it, I will purge, I didn't purge yesterday, I'm not going to today.

I WILL NOT.

Jesus, mental breakdown here.

FLO xxxxxxx

In bed by seven

Yes, that's right I'm in bed and it's ten to eight, been technically in bed since seven, I just don't want to face temptation of food. Don't feel strong enough yet. I need to make sure, for sure, that Mia is gone for a while..

Anyway, today has actually been a good day, only had two lessons, then went shopping with my friend for her London College of Fashion interview outfit, she got a gorgeous white dress that she said I can borrow, but as she's smaller than me, naturally, so it inspires me to lose this fat more.

Foodwise..
Veggie bake - 118 cals
Roasted Veggies - 200 cals?

Total - 318 cals

Not actually sure about the calories for the veggies but pretty sure it's not over 200, if so for the day I'm most likely still under 400. Haven't done a great deal of exercise.. but think I'm going to do some cruches later, and having a massive gym sesh tomorrow so I'm not fretting too much..

Spent a bus journey today making loads of mini goals in the planner on my phone.. keeping my motivation up.. avoiding binge foods.. cannot wait to get back to my pre binge weight of late January..

"You'll need heart and you'll need courage. We all need time."

This post is shit... I'm feeling somewhat uninspired.. Think I'm just tired.
Here's some nice thinspo to make it pretty.

Flo
xxxxxx

Parents.

Update, parents made me have "a proper dinner" with them.
Was Morrocan cous cous tagine, was relatively healthy.

Can't have consumed more than 900 cals today, and purged most, but still feels like a fail.
What is wrong with my brain.

xxxxxxx florence is a fail.

always tomorrow.

Goodbye Bike!

Today has been tomato crazy.

Tomato Soup 118 cals
10 Cherry tomatoes 22 cals
Total - 140 cals

I've got the worst headache ever, and I've been in my room basically since I got in, which was about 3 hours ago,
I've showered, done my homework, and cannot be bothered to do anything else.

I'm petrified of leaving my room, petrified of the kitchen..

But apart from that moaning s'allllll good. Except I think I'm going to have to face the fact my bikes gone.

:(

Don't see any reason I need to go over 200 cals for the next few days, however Friday's going to be a problem as my friend wants me to model for her photography and then she's having a cocktail party after.. think I've made it perfectly clear that alcohol is my weakness. Not meaning to indulge completely in self-loathing but I don't really know why she's chosen me to model anyway, very flattered though.

Imprisionment in my room hasn't been all negative, I watched a bio on Audrey Hepburn, found out she was 5'7 and 110lb, I am 5'7 but not 110lb. I want to be. Audrey is my new love.

I love this shot, Breakfast at Tiffany's used to be one of my favourite films, my ex-boyfriend used to tell me that I reminded him of Holly (Audrey's character), also very flattering, but he said it was because I was an adorable scatterbrain. On that basis I watched the film over and over with him deluding myself. Stupid Girl.

 

Hope you're all good, and thank you for the comments on the last couple of blogs, they've been so rambly, not that this one isn't, and they always cheer me up. Flo xxx

Leptin, Kristen Steward, I hate my mum and the Maccabees

Just a pre warning, as you can probably tell from the title, this post is full of mixed up shit. Just like my head really. Ha.
____________________________________

Pound for pound and cheek to cheek

Cheek paler than a lamp light
Take me down to light the box
And play super Scalectrix

And turn this,
Darkness
Into light, and I'll turn too bright
Forget all the hype

I'll need heart and I'll need courage
We all need...

Toe to toe, there's nowhere to go
So I'm tiptoeing around it
I held you down and I held my own
And now I feel like I'm floating

So turn to this
Head on
And keep on
Keeping on

You'll need heart and you'll need courage
We all need time

So let's make time... work for us
Let's make time work for us
Let's make time work for us
Let's make time work for us

Let's take our precious time about it
Let's take our precious time about it
Let's take our precious time about it
Let's take our precious time about it

Don't you know, well god only knows.
Is there somebody waiting?
So you'll hold yourself up and you'll hold yourself in
And then pray that you are growing
And turn this,
Darkness
Into light, and I'll turn too bright
Forget all the hype

You'll need heart and I'll need courage
We all need time

So let's make time... work for us
Let's make time work for us

The Maccabees - Precious Time

My all time favourite band, check them out, I never tire of them, and the best thing is they're doing a free live show and signing in my hometown next friday. :)
Anyway, this has been my favourite song for about 3 years now, and today I only grasped the thinspo meaning,
Was I blind before or am I simply so preoccupied with this obsession in my life that it is all I can see, hear or feel?
 
If so, why aren't the scales giving me the results I want.
 
I know why, because I am lazy and weak.
 
I need to rule my life, not let it rule me.
 
Or can I?
 
As I've mentioned before, I'm ironically studying eating behaviour in psychology at the moment, we're currently focusing on the role of innate biological tendancies in people with eating disorders, according the biological approach a fucked up relationship with food is a result genes, and has been triggered by my environment.
 
 Joy to the fucking world.
 
Of course the theory is challenged by many other, namely social learning theory, all behaviour is learned, which would cite the role of the media. But it does beg the question, where does it actually all stem from?
 
Is there really no hope? I am preprogrammed to live in despair of the scales for the rest of my life?
 
Sorry this wasn't actually meant to be a self loathing post, it's just turned into one.
 
I say fuck the science.
 
I want to be skinny.
I will be skinny.
You will be skinny.
 
I don't give a shit how much "leptin" my stomach sends to my brain to let it know it's hungry.
Fuck you leptin.
 
Even my psychology teacher said today, "the wonder of the human mind is that it can override itself, it can contradict it's desires, and indulge in it's fears",
 
Prepare to override.


On another note, had dinner with my parents tonight for my mums actual birthday, which was tonight, it was the most awkward meal ever, I had some roasted veg, purged after, but that wasn't the problem.

 My family literally have nothing to talk about. Like seriously nothing at all. No one wanted to be there. It was all forced, awkward and frankly dire conversation, my Dad and I kept starting threads but mother dearest was having none of it.

 My mum's a manic depressive and today brought out the worst in her. And it reminded me of all the reasons I despised her in the first place. I don't despise her anymore, I just feel sorry for her, everyday I remind myself, and I promise myself that if I ever have children. I will NEVER make her feel the way she makes my family feel.

 

Anyway moving on, been stalking Kristen Stewart again for a fair amount of time so here's some KS thinspo for the hell of it.
 

 I don't know why she intrigues me so,
 
 

 
 
I think it's the essence of Twilight...
 
 

 
 her figure... obviously.. apparently she lives on fags and diet coke.. but says she doesn't diet or exercise.. pfffft..
 
 

 
she's pale with dark hair, like me...
 
 

 
 shes awkward, untraditional, yet endearing...
 

Wow I've seriously developed a girl crush.. Haha, ah well, a girl can dream,

Of Robert Pattinson that is, sorry to be so generic but man he is so hot. And if looking like her gets him. She is my idol :P

And I know that I've posted some of that thinspo before, but if it ain't broke; don't fix it.

 
 
  Oh dear.

I just skimmed back over this post and it really is full of shit. Sorry guys, am in a bit of an odd mood today. Enjoy my ramblings!
 
 
 
Flo xxxxxxxxxx
P.S. When I get to 118lb I'm going to get a tattoo saying "You'll need heart and you'll need courage, We all need time" :) Excited.

Goodbye Mia

Weighed myself.

And let's just say, my foul, alcohol induced, and quite frankly disgusting behaviour of the last two weeks has definitely shown up.

So it's time for a change.

It starts tomorrow, and it ends tomorrow.

Too disgusted with myself to post more.

Love to you all, and thank you for the comments on the last blog :) There may be hope in the bike story.. I'll explain properly tomorrow.
xxxxxxxxxxx

Where's my bike? :(

woke up this morning like, SHIT, how did I get to my bed, vaguely remember getting a taxi, so first question, where is my bike?! Can't find my keys. Balls.

Second thought, shit, shit, shit, remembered eating chips and all sorts of shit in drunken stupendor last night,

Third thought: my mouth is dry and I should check my sent messages, luckily no bad ones, and by the looks of things I got in quite early. Phew.

Then, got up to step out of bed to be greeting by a huge pile of sick, sorry ladies, I know this is a bit graphic for 10 o' clock in the morning, check my right hand, my purging hand, and my rings are off, which means it was self induced, oddly happy that despite my drunkness and stupid fatty binge I still thought to purge. That's a new one. But my memory of it. Zilch.

Bad times though, cos I drank an awful lot last night, I mean, a lot, by nine I was wasted! The night just seems like a big old blur and I can't help feeling that I probably acted outrageously. Mega-cringe. Didn't actually eat anything at the chinese, which was good, however did have a subway in the day.. veggie delite.. can't have been more than 600 for the day.. but then obviously the alcohol calories and what not = massive fail.

Caught up on an infinite amount of blogs this morning as I've sobered, and feeling inspired.

Today I need to:
- Tidy my room.
- Clean the shit out of my life.
- Psychology work
- Make a collage for my mums birthday present; she didn't get me a birthday present so I'm not paying for her to have one. I know I'm being a bit pathetic but I don't care.
- Not eat.
- Rehydrate.
- Removal of the sick.
- Find my bike? lol?
- Not be so knobular all the time. Ha.

Love this thinspo

My gums also feeling like they're bleeding. My teeth look awful, I can see the difference in the colour, texture etc.. I know I need to "man up", so to speak, I love that phrase (: , and go to the dentist, the worst he can do is ask if I have an eating disorder, the worst he can do after that is give me a leaflet or some other shit. Also, I'm thinking that if he sorts my teeth out, it will motivate me not to b/p all the time as it'll just be a waste of time/pain.

Not planning on eating today, just drinking lots, oh fuck, I've just realised as I'm typing this that it's my Mother's birthday meal tonight, shit, shit, shit. All her friends are coming over, think my Dad's cooking, and we'll have to sit round the dining table all pretending to love each other, and I'll get the generic, "How's college?", "What uni's have you got offers from?", "How were your exams?", and then one friend in particular, C, who actually is a very lovely lady who I adore, will take me off to the side later, and be like.. "Well, how are YOU?", she's far too attentive and it scares me.

Well that's just shit on my parade. Eurgh. Hoping I can push a lot of it around my plate and purge the rest. Reminder to self to buy more Durolax today.

Anyway, back to the original issue of the post.
I WANT MY BIKE :( Will just have to retrace my steps from last night. Fuck my life. Ha.
I'm also in reasonably good spirits, I'm probably still drunk.

Flo xxxxxx

Ps. This is how I'll be if I don't find my bike. Albeit far less glamourous and about the size of a baby whale.

Pole Dancing..

Hey Guys,

Did have a big Amy Winehouse inspired post ready for you lot tonight, well half ready, but I've just got in from the gym and I'm already in bed and frankly don't want to post it half heartedly as I really do love the Winehouse.

Anyhow, today has been good in some respects, and bad in others.

Bad - I didn't fast, I had about 800 cals.. bad times... most definitely not a fast...

On the other hand I cycled for 9 miles, gym for 1 1/2 and then an 1 1/2 POLE DANCING CLASS.
Yes, that's right, Florence went pole dancing, it was a free taster so me and my mate decided it would be a laugh, it most definitely was but my legs are soooo bruised now! But I've done some research, and it burns about 400 cals an hour, so my total burn for today is 1300! Plus my normal burn (BMR) of around 1500 cals, so I'm pretty chuffed! I never normally account for my BMR but the fact that I burned about 2800 cals today makes the 800 I ate more bareable.

Tomorrow, I've got a bit of a dilemma, going out for a friends birthday meal.. eekk, but it's at a chinese karaoke ;) So i'm hoping everyone will be too drunk to realise I haven't eaten, but the alcohol calories will be a bitch :| If I fast all day, won't need to drink a lot..

Oh Florence you have such a fucked up logic, why just not drink at all and save your FAT STOMACH.

Truth be told, I would probably give it a miss, but it's just the boy I like its going..

Looking forward to getting some sleep and catching up on your blogs, also "Skins" is on , so here's some Effy (Kaya Scoladerio) insprired thinspo, because she is beautiful and skinny, and her boyfriend is also hot.

Love Flo xxxxxxx

Fast fast fast?

Hello my lovelies,

Astonished at my ever increasing followers, so would like to take the time to say thank you, and hello :)

Today has been.. well not the best... but after catching up on some of your blogs, and finishing my last exam today (hurrah!), I've decided to undertake a fast, exciting stuff, I've never done a proper one before, I've done a liquid fast but not a water only, so I'm armed with pro plus to get me through the day and I'm excited to get started.

It's quarter to nine, I'm in bed writing this, and frankly I'm blooming knackered. I'm also scared to go downstairs, as I feel hanging around the kitchen will cause unnecessary binging..

I'm not going to weigh myself until Saturday, I'm hoping for a pound a day? Is this reasonable? I really haven't a clue, I plan on going to the gym everyday too?

Rebuilt the relationship with my parents ever so slightly.. my dad sent me a facebook message.. how up to date of him.. it had the usual, "worried you're back in your old ways" schpeil, and then my mum ACTUALLY OFFERED to take me shopping after college, shock horror.

Bought two pairs of trousers, both gorgeous, and both too small, told my mum they fitted in the changing room, so I've got not one, but two new items to try to squeeze my fat thighs into. Joy joy joy.

In the car on the way home I was feeling really sick, so my mum took the opportunity to be like "well its because you probably haven't eaten a thing all day".

Wish I could say it had been true!

Watching "fat families" on sky1, its brilliant, this camp fitness guy just goes into peoples houses, takes away their furniture and tells them they're fat. It's great anti thinspo, if anyone fancies a gander. http://sky1.sky.com/fat-families

Can't find it on youtube :( sad times.

Anyway, I think this is enough rambling for today, hope you are all okay.
Flo xxxx

"You are my life now."

Feeling better than I have in a long while today,
I went to the doctors, got myself sorted out, had to take some meds which I know will make me better, but I had to have 3 full meals for them to work. Pffft. But it's just one day.

Emergency contraception.. yes because Florence is a drunken dickhead. But seriously its made me feel so much better, and although my stomach feels disgustingly full. My last exam is tomorrow, and after that I have two weeks of work, so I plan on living at the gym paha.

Just had a major catch up on all your blogs, and I'm feeling inspired.

I read one, and I'm sorry you'll have to forgive me for I can't remember who's it was, but they were talking about not having a normal functioning relationship with food.

This is so true, my mum was watching me make my lunch, and I realise, I really have no idea, what is considered a normal meal, or a normal amount to eat, normal to me is a day not over 500 cals. It's either nothing or everything. There is no middle ground.

My normal will be restored tomorrow.



On another note, and I know it's naughty, but I don't feel that guilty because I know I will buy it when it comes out.. but I downloaded New Moon. Yes, it's so cliche but I do love a bit of twilight, <3 Hate the whole bandwagon thing, but the books. Yes please.

So overall feeling more positive, tomorrow will be back to 500 cals a day, at 200 cycling and at least 500 burn at gym. Job done.

Setting some new goals too.



WITH LOVE
Flo xxxxxxxxx

just wanted to add

thank you for all of your comments after my rambling last night, :)
love to you all xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx you're all amazing

no lies just love