Sad

I am sad for many things right now.



I am sad for my mother. My mother who didn't have a mother, and doesn't know how to be a mother. I am sad that looking at her fills me with hate, when I know it should be love. I know this, yet I still cannot love her. I am sad that she is lonely. I am sad that she is bi-polar. Most of all I am sad that she has pushed her daughter away. I am sad, and scared that I will make those mistakes.



I am sad for my ex-best friend. Sad that she was in so much pain, emotionally, that she created a false persona behind which to hide. I am sad that she too, is lonely, scared and so far deep in her lies that she cannot distinguish the lies from reality. I am sad that she told me she was going to die. I am sad I was stupid enough to believe her and even sadder that I wasn't quick enough to help her. I'm sad that she miscarried her child, but also sad that this thought also relieves me as children are precious and need stability and love, two basic demands that ex-best friend does not have the capacity to give. This too, makes me sad.



I am sad for the ex-boyfriend of said ex-friend. I am sad that he too is in pain. I am sad too that life dealt him the wrong hand. I am sad that his reputation has been tarnished with lies, because he really does have a beautiful soul. I am sad that he feels helpless and scared. I am sad that he feels it's his responsibility to look after her. It is not.



I am sad for my father. I am sad that he is trapped. I am sad that I am selfish, I snap at him, sad that I scream at him and sad that my mother does the same. I am sad because I don't want to be her. I am sad because my Dad really is a working class hero, and he worked for everything he has. Everything I have. And still he feels like he's a nowhere man.
 
 
I am sad that I'm not everything I want to be. Or could be. But most of all I'm sad for them.