Leptin, Kristen Steward, I hate my mum and the Maccabees

Just a pre warning, as you can probably tell from the title, this post is full of mixed up shit. Just like my head really. Ha.
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Pound for pound and cheek to cheek

Cheek paler than a lamp light
Take me down to light the box
And play super Scalectrix

And turn this,
Darkness
Into light, and I'll turn too bright
Forget all the hype

I'll need heart and I'll need courage
We all need...

Toe to toe, there's nowhere to go
So I'm tiptoeing around it
I held you down and I held my own
And now I feel like I'm floating

So turn to this
Head on
And keep on
Keeping on

You'll need heart and you'll need courage
We all need time

So let's make time... work for us
Let's make time work for us
Let's make time work for us
Let's make time work for us

Let's take our precious time about it
Let's take our precious time about it
Let's take our precious time about it
Let's take our precious time about it

Don't you know, well god only knows.
Is there somebody waiting?
So you'll hold yourself up and you'll hold yourself in
And then pray that you are growing
And turn this,
Darkness
Into light, and I'll turn too bright
Forget all the hype

You'll need heart and I'll need courage
We all need time

So let's make time... work for us
Let's make time work for us

The Maccabees - Precious Time

My all time favourite band, check them out, I never tire of them, and the best thing is they're doing a free live show and signing in my hometown next friday. :)
Anyway, this has been my favourite song for about 3 years now, and today I only grasped the thinspo meaning,
Was I blind before or am I simply so preoccupied with this obsession in my life that it is all I can see, hear or feel?
 
If so, why aren't the scales giving me the results I want.
 
I know why, because I am lazy and weak.
 
I need to rule my life, not let it rule me.
 
Or can I?
 
As I've mentioned before, I'm ironically studying eating behaviour in psychology at the moment, we're currently focusing on the role of innate biological tendancies in people with eating disorders, according the biological approach a fucked up relationship with food is a result genes, and has been triggered by my environment.
 
 Joy to the fucking world.
 
Of course the theory is challenged by many other, namely social learning theory, all behaviour is learned, which would cite the role of the media. But it does beg the question, where does it actually all stem from?
 
Is there really no hope? I am preprogrammed to live in despair of the scales for the rest of my life?
 
Sorry this wasn't actually meant to be a self loathing post, it's just turned into one.
 
I say fuck the science.
 
I want to be skinny.
I will be skinny.
You will be skinny.
 
I don't give a shit how much "leptin" my stomach sends to my brain to let it know it's hungry.
Fuck you leptin.
 
Even my psychology teacher said today, "the wonder of the human mind is that it can override itself, it can contradict it's desires, and indulge in it's fears",
 
Prepare to override.


On another note, had dinner with my parents tonight for my mums actual birthday, which was tonight, it was the most awkward meal ever, I had some roasted veg, purged after, but that wasn't the problem.

 My family literally have nothing to talk about. Like seriously nothing at all. No one wanted to be there. It was all forced, awkward and frankly dire conversation, my Dad and I kept starting threads but mother dearest was having none of it.

 My mum's a manic depressive and today brought out the worst in her. And it reminded me of all the reasons I despised her in the first place. I don't despise her anymore, I just feel sorry for her, everyday I remind myself, and I promise myself that if I ever have children. I will NEVER make her feel the way she makes my family feel.

 

Anyway moving on, been stalking Kristen Stewart again for a fair amount of time so here's some KS thinspo for the hell of it.
 

 I don't know why she intrigues me so,
 
 

 
 
I think it's the essence of Twilight...
 
 

 
 her figure... obviously.. apparently she lives on fags and diet coke.. but says she doesn't diet or exercise.. pfffft..
 
 

 
she's pale with dark hair, like me...
 
 

 
 shes awkward, untraditional, yet endearing...
 

Wow I've seriously developed a girl crush.. Haha, ah well, a girl can dream,

Of Robert Pattinson that is, sorry to be so generic but man he is so hot. And if looking like her gets him. She is my idol :P

And I know that I've posted some of that thinspo before, but if it ain't broke; don't fix it.

 
 
  Oh dear.

I just skimmed back over this post and it really is full of shit. Sorry guys, am in a bit of an odd mood today. Enjoy my ramblings!
 
 
 
Flo xxxxxxxxxx
P.S. When I get to 118lb I'm going to get a tattoo saying "You'll need heart and you'll need courage, We all need time" :) Excited.