Procrastination

So I'm sitting in the computer area at college which is, for once, quiet enough to allow me for have a catch up on all your lovely blogs. I should actually be completing my media coursework which is due in tomorrow.. But you know how it goes.

Trying to stick to just liquids, fruit and soup; or that's what the plan is,  so far today I've had an apple and 2 bottles of diet cherry coke, my favourite.

I reckon I'll be at college tonight until they kick me out - this coursework really is a bitch. But on the plus side it will keep me busy and away from the kitchen.

On another note, I got paid today! Woooop, my aim is to not spend ANY on food. Thus saving myself a whole lot of pennies, any money that I would have spent on food I shall save and spend on something amazing, something that I haven't quite decided yet, but perhaps one of the old Bright Eyes albums that I haven't got yet.

I've finished lessons for the day, but my college holds lunchtime concert things and I went along at lunch with a few friends, sat next to my ex, and we were getting along nicely, flirting, but I mustn't let myself get attached again; something that I know could all too easily happen.

On the advice of Kemper at Choke on Air I decided to check out my Natal chart on an astrology website,

I was a bit dubious at first, but seriously surprised.

"Sun in Cancer natives have a strong survival instinct. They are protective of those they care about, and of themselves too. They are often quite reticent about sharing their inner selves to the rest of the world, and are often caught up in reminisce. Cancers have a reputation for moodiness, although this trait is most evident when the Moon is in Cancer. Cancer needs roots. They resist change to an extent, and concern themselves about being secure and safe in most everything they do. Cancers can be quite intrigued by objects with history attached to them -- antiques, photos, souvenirs, and the like. "

That is me.

You get a whole load of stuff about what you're like depending on all the planets, and I haven't read it all yet (as I am painfully aware of the fact I should be doing some coursework), but I will do later. I also wouldn't want to bore you all. But seriously check it out, could be a good distraction.
http://astro.cafeastrology.com/cgi-bin/astro/natal


 
Speaking of distractions, I really should get stepping.
 
Hope you're all having a good day.
Florence xxx

Bright Eyes

I've spent the last two hours reading Bright Eyes lyrics.
Here are some of my favourite.
They're all I want to consume at the moment.


"Well, you’re probably right

But at least I’m not blind to the facts
I’ve been wishing were lies
But still I hope you get everything
That you care to possess
And unbelievable sex with him
Or any one of my friends
But just don’t ask about my appetite
I didn’t lose it tonight
No, it’s been gone half my life
It’s just act, I’ve been eating for you"


"You said you would be my dream. I could have you every night

and if, by morning, I had forgotten you, well, no big deal, it would be all right
'cause you are the reoccurring kind.
You are the reoccurring kind.
You never really leave my mind."


"You’re looking skinny like a model with your eyes all painted black
You just keep going to the bathroom always say you’ll be right back
Well it takes one to know one, kid, I think you’ve got it bad
But what’s so easy in the evening, by the morning is such a drag.

I’ve got a flask inside my pocket we can share it on the train
If you promise to stay conscious I will try and do the same
We might die from medication, but we sure killed all the pain

But what was normal in the evening, by the morning seems insane.
And I’m not sure what the trouble was that started all of this
The reasons all have run away but the feeling never did
It’s not something I would recommend, but it is one way to live
Cause what is simple in the moonlight, by the morning never is
What’s so simple in the moonlight, now is so complicated
What’s so simple in the moonlight, so simple in the moonlight"

"I'm staring out into that vacuum again

from the back porch of my mind
the only thing that's alive, I'm all there is
and I start attacking my vodka
stab the ice with my straw
my eyes have turned red as stoplights
you seem ready to walk
you know I'll call you eventually
when I wanna talk, 'til then you're invisible
cause there's this switch that gets hit
and it all stops making sense
and in the middle of drinks
maybe the fifth or the sixth
I'm completely alone at a table of friends
I feel nothing for them
I feel nothing, nothing."

"And I sat watching a flower


As it was withering

I was embarrassed by its honesty

So I'd prefer to be remembered as a smiling face

Not this fucking wreck

That's taken its place



So please forgive what I have done

No you can't stay mad at the setting sun

Cause we all get tired, I mean eventually

There is nothing left to do but sleep"

Wallowing.

I feel alone at the moment.

I can sit in a room with my friends and I feel alone.
I'm thinking a lot about good and bad, and about the world, and about where I'm going in life.
Everything seems so insignificant at the moment. I feel insignificant.
I, I, I.. All I think about is myself.. Jesus I've fucked things up.

I can't find solice in your blogs because I envy each and every one of you.
I just want to wallow.
Which is even more pathetic.

I just want to start fresh.

READING READING READING

OH MY OH MY OH MY

LIBERTINES LIBERTINES LIBERTINES LIBERTINES

I am so amazingly psyched right now, got a reading ticket, line up is amazing, all time favourite band are playing, thought I'd never get the chance to see them. So happy.

I've eaten like a pig today, but nothing can detract from my happiness right now.

Flo xxx

Coming up only to hold you under

I recieved a facebook message from boy I like.. after we'd had the .. "there's no point getting involved in anything serious as we're off to different uni's soon" conversation a couple of days ago..
this is all it said..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vN5uYlmOClE

Sweet. But seriously.

What is wrong with the male species, I've been trying to give him some space. Why am I doing it to myself, I am a masochistic beast.

Anyhow, aim for this week pretty straightforward, no more than 500 a day.

Here's some thinspo because it helps. Helps to remind me that I got a long way to go.

bones bones bones

Florence xxxxxx

Oops.

Well what a massive fail of a week this has been..
My downfall.. alcohol.
Monday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday - I was drunk.

On Wednesday I had my measurements taken for this modelling thing I'm doing,
I spent the entire 45 minutes there paranoid as fuck.
Convinced all the designers would be like why the fuck is this fat bitch here.
I have 4 or 5 more fittings before the show, and shoots etc, so I need to slim down QUICK.

Rah. This post isn't really going anywhere, I'm not in the mood to post.

I've only had 3 hours sleep and a whole lot to think, and I'm on a right caffiene come down after copious amounts of coffee and a 9 hour shift; I'm starting to get proper withdrawals from it.. yesterday I was getting serious headaches, over easter I may just do a giant detox.

A detoxing of my life is definitely in order.

Beautiful.

See what I mean, my thoughts are a wee bit scattered. So after yet another long ass shift at work tomorrow, I will do a proper post.

Florence
xxxxxxxx

I love diet coke.

Of course my weekend plan didn't go as smoothly as i'd hoped..
Stuck to around 500 Friday and yesterday, today.. well lets just say I didn't.. purged A LOT, but then again also ate alot.. scales are telling me 156lb.. which is down two pounds.. but we'll see in the morning..

Tomorrow is Monday. I like Mondays. I like the distraction of college.
I enjoy keeping busy at college, I'm feeling pretty determined and I'm pretty sure this week will be seeing me just fill up on diet coke :)

I'll be biking nine miles a day, now I've got a new bike; and the majority of your will know I was devastated when I lost my old one through my own drunken foolishness!
So that's the exercise sorted. Gym on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday too.

Calorie wise I'm aiming for no more than 400 a day, this will mainly consist of apples and soup, and of course my beloved Diet Coke.

Her thighs are beautiful

Although, actually, tomorrow night I'm going out, not planning on eating in the day, so maybe an apple before I go out, and then I'll stick to Vodka Coke to save some calories.

This post seems very formal. I'm just relaying my plans for the week in a really rigid way, sorry it's not very readable.

Me... tomorrow....probably (note.. not actually me in this pic, just saying I'll probably end up on the floor)

Semi-anxious for tomorrow in all honesty.. boy will be out.. he will let me down/ I'll be hideously drunk and text him stupid texts/ I will want to cry = Florence feels like a fool.


xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Wild Weekend

I've successfully fasted all day and it is currently 17:09... a pivitol point in the day.. it's all make or break from here.

I'm not going out tonight; so need to worry about alcohol calories or anything, no late night drunken binging - which seems to be my downfall, late night sober binging however.. must stay strong.. planning to just avoid the kitchen and get an early night.

So much for a "wild weekend".

Plan for the weekend is just to avoid food as much as possible; which I think is achivable.

Tomorrow I'm working 9-6, then off to see a friends play which hopefully won't finish till late, the most i'll consume is a glass of wine or so in the lobby, and on an empty stomach I don't think I'll need much more; a win win situation in my opinion. 

Then Sunday, I'm working all day again, although Sunday dinner may be a problem, but one meal over the entire weekend is the not utter end of the world. 

Finally finished the eating disorder topic today, phew, although of course it's not the end as I'm going to have to revise it all, but at least that can be in my own privacy. Ironically, our next topic is Aggression; much more appropriate, haha.

On another note, found out the boy I like ALSO got with someone else on Monday.. I have no right to be annoyed about this. As so did I.

But I still am..
Apparently there's pictures of it on facebook.. I don't want to look, but I know he's detagged himself.

What a pickle.

My friends and I also decided where we're going on holiday today, or more so I just let them decide, I'm not particularly bothered, each place will just be as tacky as the next, however I am bothered by the ever approaching summer.. bikini season is almost upon us ladies, (and any gents reading) and I'm sure as hell not ready. It doesn't help that all my friends are tiny. I cannot be the fat one of the group.

I will not be the fat one of the group.

In other news, my friend from work has asked me to be her model for her degree show, which is flattering, apparently they don't want to use overly skinny models.

Brilliant. I was chosen because I was fat, well you know what I mean.

I know I should still be flattered, however its just another reminder that I am not what I want to be.

Sorry to end on a sombre note,

Have a good weekend guys, I'll probably post on Sunday evening

xxxxxxxxxxxx Florence

I am a Vampire

Afternoon all, :)

Foodwise, today's been a bit shit, an apple and literally 3 bites of pasta and two sandwiches.. oh and some chocolate buttons.. fail..  was planning on purging but my friend rang.. and that was an hour or so ago.. and now its too late.

So although pretty bad, marginally better than the horrific amount I've been eating of late..

I've decided to adopt the thinking of a good vampire.
Yes.
I know that sounds so fucking stupid and lame BUT hear me out.
 I'm going to think of food as alive. Eating it is bad. Only eat when necessary; extreme cases.
Drinking fluids is okay.
But food is not.
Eating food leads to bad things.

Food is the enemy.
Food is the enemy.
Food is the enemy.

Wow Florence, you've truly lost it, (: haha.

Everyday I cycle past a small little museum on my way home from college, and I always think to myself, "Ah next time I'll go in..", or "I really must go there soon", but today I actually did something about it, so I locked up my bike, paid my £2 and wasn't really sure what to expect.

I know that the idea of a museum doesn't appeal to everyone, and many of you will be reading this like.. err .. okay.. but I love them, I love losing myself in the past, imagining how everything would have been, I find it a nice distraction. I'd also been feeling a little apprehensive as to whether I was making the right decision reading History at uni, but afternoons like today make me sure it's the right decision.

In other news, I went out monday night, as we had the day off college Tuesday, absoloutely everybody was out, it was fun, I was drunk, I told the boy I like I liked him.. I hate making myself vulnerable, my first love broke up with his new love and was trying it on all night, I'm so proud that I managed to resist him, my gay friend asked me to set him up with him .. It was a very confusing night..

I got back to my best friends at five or so and we cooked potato wedges and I passed out on the sofa.
Good times.

Bad times however is me looking through the photos on facebook now.. my face looks bloated disgusting and flabby, I wouldn't expect anything less after the way I've been eating. But eurgh, I am disgusting.

As I've mentioned before, I'm studying eating disorders in psychology at the moment, as we get further into the course the more and more uncomfortable I get in lessons. I go red, get panicy and clam up for an hour, and it's beginning to become the lesson I dread.



Last week we were doing about the causes of eating disorders and the biological approach, we also looked the evolutionary explanation, both basically say that this fucked up lifestyle we lead is predestined, we were innately born with this, and the environment triggers it for some people.. So for an hour I sit there listening to insensitive pricks drone on about how eating disorders are due to fucked up brain functioning and there's nothing to be done to stop that.

Where does that leave people who want to recover?

I'm not sure what I believe. I'm not sure I care. It's all relative.

By the way, this isn't me sailing off to recovery, I'm just raising the point.

This is one of my favourite thinspo pics.

She is beautiful.

ANYWAY. Hitler's rise to power awaits. Yay..

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I best tidy up my head

Today I've not eaten much in the way of meals,
just a fuck fuck fuck load of chocolate.

Came on my period today, so I'm blaming that.
Always blaming something..
Gah.

Well i'm working all day tomorrow so at least I won't be able to stuff my face there.

Also,
I just watched Skins on 4od (sorry if you're not from the UK reading this and have no idea what I'm on about.. ).. but SERIOUSLY. How could they do that to Freddie??

I know i'm getting a bit repetitive, but here's some Skins thinspo in the form of Kaya Scoladerio seeing as I'm too tired to fathom writing anything more interesting.

Florence xxxxxxxxxx

Progress?

Hey guys,

So i've just got in from a night at the pub.. yes I know.. bad times, especially after all I said yesterday about alcohol sending me downward spiralling.. but actually tonight has been good.

I got in about half an hour ago.. semi tipsy, although I wouldn't say my normal level of rat-arsed, and instead of going to my usual place.. the kitchen .. to binge..

I didn't.

I got my laptop from the kitchen.

And simply walked back upstairs.

Now I am sitting in bed typing this.

So I know it doesn't seem like much.

But means a lot to me.

It makes me happy.

Tonight in general was also a lot of fun,  I went to cheer my friend on at a band competition, despite her not winning, it was still a lovely night :) Talked lots to my friend J, had a massive catch up with my two closest friends and generally felt like I gave some money to a good cause.

On another note, I got my exam results today..

Just a bit of background info.. I severely fucked up at college last year.. I didn't go, I just went out drinking my soul into the abyss and fucked up all my exams, didn't revise, and almost got chucked out of college, this year I got put on my last warning. I was a stupid dickhead, stuck in a rut, which is ironic, because I know I'm not stupid.

So anyway, last year I came out with shit grades, however I still got predicted pretty well for uni as my teachers understood I was in a bad place.... Anyway, this year I worked my arse off for the January resits.. re sat everything, and today my grades were.. AAA :D for AS.

My Auntie and Uncle sent me a balloon to say congratulations- made my day haha <3

This proves to me - If you want it hard enough, you can do it.

I also got my grades for a few modules from this year, got A's,  and without wanting to sound like a patronising whining bitch, seriously if you're reading this and you're in year 12, don't just cruise, LEARN from me, it will be so much easier if you do it this year, I understand that makes me sound like such a hypocrite, but honestly I wish I had.

BUT, enough lecturing from me.

Will be a proper post tomorrow. But quickly, the ECLIPSE trailer came out today AHHH
I don't care if you don't like Twilight, I do. EXCITING. It looks GEEWWWWWD.


http://www.robsessedpattinson.com/2010/03/full-twllight-eclipse-trailer.html



So here's some KS thinspo,

I know i've used some of these before, but they're my fav's :) especially this last one, she looks beautiful.

All My Love
Florence
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Evening all,

First and foremost, sorry for my gradual descent into the abyss, I am back.
And I am fatter than ever.

I am ready to say goodbye to Mia once and for all.
I am ready to say hello to restriction and emptiness.

I have missed you all.

Spent the last hour catching up on blogs and feeling inspired.

I can't even really explain myself, I could feel myself spiralling into the dark place, and in all honestly I've spent the past 2 weeks drinking myself to death, bringing with it drunk calories, binging, and just EURGH. I know it's is no excuse but it is all I have.

I don't want to feel like this.

Once again, Sorry.

Florence, xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

You'll need heart and you'll need courage, we all need time.

Daisy Lowe. <3