Slightly less stressed than I was last night, weighing in now at 142lb, only 2 lb away from my goal weight for the month, have yoga class today and I'm only consuming liquids, just had a 104 cal mushroom soup for lunch, so feeling more positive.

I do love mushroom soup, there's something quite homely about it. I'll finish off the can for dinner, so all in all aiming for about 208 cals for the day, I'll cycle to the gym too so I'll most definitely be back in negative cals after last nights disaster.

Have the dreaded doctors appointment at 3.30, it is now 12.20, so I'm about to watch Lars and the Real Girl, some film about a crazy guy who falls in love with a doll? Mental. And hopefully it will make me feel better about my own life.
Just been catching up on some of your blogs, and discovering new ones. I love finding new blogs its amazing! Also, been searching through internet shopping sites and I'm not allowing myself to buy anything any bigger than a size 8 or 6 if they have it, it will encourage me to keep on track!

Love to you all
flo xxx

2LB INCREASE IN A HOUR. Fatty.

Today has been mixed.

Salad - 4 cals
Cous cous 128 cals
mushroom - 5 cals
tomato - 20 cals
houmous - 56 cals
cucumber - 10 cals

mango - 72 cals
grapes - 15 cals
melon - 20 cals


330 cals


Yes great.

Well that was up until at work I ate 2 bags of crisps and some mini eggs, didn't stay in me long, and when I got home weighed myself and I was 143lb PHEW.

BUT

Because I am a fat pig, and because my mum told me this morning she doesn't think I'm eating, I ate a quorn curry with my parents, follow by some custard and chocolate. Don't even want to this about how many calories were in that, and although its all come back up, I am now weighing in at 145lb. FUCK MY LIFE.

So 5 durolax later here I am in bed, writing this post, hoping to god these motherfuckers kick in big time tomorrow.

Oh and on another brilliant, or not, note, I was informed today that my doctors want me to attend a routine check up for my weight etc tomorrow, as I was getting treatment a year or so ago they're just checking up on me. OH FUCKING FABTABULOUS.

Now I am just fucked off at myself.

Also, had work today straight after college so couldn't go to gym, so that's just made things worse.

Tomorrow I have yoga, Tomorrow I have doctors. EURGH. Tomorrow I will not exceed 300 calories.

xxxxxxx flo

Tired

Input:
Go ahead bar, Apple, One chunk of kinder bueno.. 242 cals

Output:
Cycle and Gym 700 cals

Had a work meeting straight after the gym, told my mum I ate there, they normally have tonnes of binge food, however today they didn't, major relief.

Got a nasty headache, and I want food, but luckily, I don't even have the energy to go downstairs.


Will do a proper post tomorrow!
xxxxxxx

A post for Lily.

I am back!

I'm in a much fitter state to post today than I have been over the past few days, so apologies, it's quarter past nine at night here and I'm in bed already because I'm scared of going into the kitchen..

Today's intake was a mixture of sweets and a go ahead bar, as I was filming my coursework (we're making a short film about schizophrenia; if we put it on youtube, I'll post the link), but all in all I know for sure it didn't go over 600 cals, but I'm following my new rule of exercising double my input, so I painstakingly did an hour on the cross trainer at the gym; 1000 cals, and biked about 9 miles, which is definitely at least 200, so although 600 feels like a binge I know I definitely burned it off. Phew.

On another note, on my way to college this morning, I cycled past the model Lily Cole, she goes to university in the same town I live. My first instinct was WOW it's Lily Cole, however my second was a wave of disappointment, I don't quite know how to put it, but she just seemed strangely.. well.. normal. There was nothing about her that was "super", she wasn't super tall, and most of all, she wasn't super skinny.

I know it seems an odd thing to be disappointed that she wasn't super skinny, but I just kind of felt it was. Everything I've ever seen of her, or read, I was expecting her to take my breath away, and she didn't.


I mean, jesus, just looked it up she supposedly has a BMI of 15.6! That was not the girl I saw today, that or I really have some major fucked perspective on reality. Either is probably. There is no denying though that she is skinny, and I am in no position to talk, not with my wobbly thighs, and she is undeniably beautiful.

So Lily Cole, this one's for you.
You give us "normal girls" hope that one day we can be "super" too.

Flo xxxx

it ends tonight.

sorry i've been brassic.

got into a nasty b/p cycle

it ends tonight.

go ahead bar - 148
half a mozzerella baguette - 400 (big estimate, but i honesty don't know how much it was.. didn't want this but I had a a friend at lunch like WHY AREN'T YOU EATING, and after giving the whole got no money line, my friend J insisted on splitting his...
mango - 72

630


Also, went to the gym
Burned 760 cals
+ Cycling 220 cals

output 980 cals!



got 2 uni offers.

then i binged.
and couldn't stop.

i ruined what could have been a good day.

you do it to yourself, you do, and that's why it really hurts.

liquid diet starts TOMORROW. no excuse.

thinspo because I'm ashamed of myself with nothing more to say
xxxxxx







am destined to stay fat forever, and my stomach actually feels like its gonna explode.

EXAMS OVER

apple - 47
go ahead cereal thing - 296
banana - 100
breakfast bar - 103
LUCOZADE - 280 CALS ! i really didn't want this but i was at the gym and needed energy!
soup - 100

total - 926 cals

absolute fatty over here.

but did burn alot, which i guess is good...

700 cals at gym
200 ish cycling 8.4 miles

So technically burned everything I ate.

But as exams are over I have no excuse! And because I made plans to meet my work friend at the gym again tomorrow, I can't wriggle out!

So generally not too pissed off...
slightly scared to weigh myself.. although I must add, and sorry it's a bit crude, but the Durolax DEFINITELY caught up with me at college today..

Sorry this post is sparce.. I'm just absolutely knackered, will post properly tomorrow. Thanks for all the comments, hope you're all doing well!
xxxxx flo

Binge?

Feels like I've binged today, I did really, but in a weird way.

Kick x 2 - 48 cals
Cereal bars.... 310 cals
Spinach and Ricotta soup - 100 cals
Bag of salt chips - 87 cals

Total - 545 cals

Then about 20 minutes ago I went downstairs and ate some homemade shepherds pie.. my favourite, eurgh, I'd resisted all night, then my bad side just took over..
anyway, I managed to gain some sense of self control, and promptly brought it all back up, but it was still around 200 cals..

So 3 sleeping pills, 3 durolax and a multivitamin later I'm writing this..
Haven't done any exercise tonight, oh apart from the usual 8.4 mile cycle, but I'm meeting my friend at the gym tomorrow as its my last exam for a while in the morning, meaning I can finally return to the gym I've been so badly neglecting, hoping to do a major calorie burn.

Flo xx

Him.

Egg salad - 150 cals
Minestrone soup - 29 cals
Kick - 24 cals
Special k bar - 88 cals
Strawberries and natural yogurt - 100 cals

total - 391 cals

cycled 8.4 miles - 200 ish

I am stressing tonight.
Today I had to keep having to fight the overwhelming feeling to cry.
And this sounds so utterly pathetic but I'm getting angry at Hollyoaks and their stupid "eating disorder" storyline as I type this.

I am on the verge of binging, I can feel it, I am also going to fail my stupid History re-take tomorrow, because my stupid brain is incapable of remembering the aims of the the stupid Chartist movement and the impact it had on political reform in the nineteenth century. Raaaaaaaaaaah.

Wow. That actually felt better to type out, and now when I read it back it seems so insignificant and pathetic to what I know some of your are going through at the moment. My thoughts are with you.

Going to revise a bit more and then do my workout DVD, hopefully burn about 400 if I put my back into it. Then hopefully I'll be too knackered to function and drift into a dreamless sleep.

My dreams are against me at the moment, last night I had a dream about my ex- Theo, it felt so real that when I woke up I was left in a state of bittersweet melancholy, bittersweet because it was the happiest time of my life; and for that dream, I was happy, however the moment I realised that was all it was, a dream, the emptiness in my chest hit, because it is a time of my life that will always be in the past.

Without sounding too overdramatic, I'm sure a few of you will relate to this, and without meaning to sound too patronising to those of you who can't relate, nothing, to me, can compare to that feeling of emptiness in my chest when I think about him, hurts more than I would like to imagine. Sometimes it actually feels like physical pain. It physically hurts.

I've come to realise, although I think I already knew somewhere inside; perhaps that's why I've come to this point,

No amount of food will fill that hole.

It is irrevokably existant.

Naive to think I can shrink it?

Time will tell.

Walking down the street.
Pounding the world underneath my feet.
My visions blurred.
And I heard what you said, yes I heard.

So I'm trying to push you, out of my head.
But my thoughts override,
As I lie in my bed,
I just picture you lying beside me,

I try to close my eyes,
but I can't sleep.

So maybe that's where my bad mood stems from today, I woke up "on the wrong side of the bed", so to speak.. although I'm laughing to myself as I write that because technically I can only get out of my bed one side.. it's against a wall..

Hope you are all well.

Florence xxx






Oh to be Alexa Chung.. sigh. xx

Back on track!

Evening, (well for everyone on a British time zone, and err..hello.. well whatever time of day anyone reads this, to be politically correct),

Today has been a good day. Calorie wise.

Intake:
Minestrone soup: 27 cals
Melon salad: 50 cals
Spinach and Ricotta soup: 100 cals
Pear: 40 cals
Kick: 24 cals

Total: 241 cals

Output:
8.4 miles cycling - 212 cals (worked this out using a calorie calculator, hmm not to sure it's right)

Thank you again for all the comments :) I really do apprieciate them.

A quick question, my friends want to go out for a meal on Friday to celebrate the end of exams (though technically mine don't end until the third of Feb), the choices are either, Frankie and Benny's, Bella Italia or Nando's, the calorie content for Nando's is on their website so I can pick a safe meal now without looking like I'm fussing, but I was wondering if anybody knew of a site for Bella Italia or Frankie and Benny's calorie contents?

The Frankie and Benny menu makes me feel physically ill, plus most of it is meat so I reckon I'll be able to play the vegetarian card, I can't remember the exact cals now but I think a veg burger from Nando's (ironic haha) was about 375, so if I hit the gym before that should be okay.. eurgh.

One of my friends, Belle, is worried I'm getting back into my old ways... she's more perceptive sometimes then I give her credit for, so I can't skip the meal, it would just confirm her fears.. hmmm.

I literally have about a million and one things to do tonight, currently putting off more revision.. gaaaah, so sorry this post is short and sweet. Some more thinspo to keep you all going, along with the ultimate thinspo song, Radiohead- Creep

Enjoy!



When you were here before,
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel,
Your skin makes me cry




You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fuckin' special



But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here



I don't care if it hurts,
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul



I want you to notice
when I'm not around
You're so fuckin' special
I wish I was special.

Flo xxxxx

thin to the spo

apple- 47 cals (i weighed it lol)
baby tomatoes- 33 cals
vegetable soup- 89 cals
soreen - 124 cals
carrot- 13 cals
sprouts - 20 cals

326 cals

flo x

EDIT
soup 100 cals

total 426 cals xxx

Well that was traumatic.

First and foremost thank you for all the comments yesterday and over the past few days, I definitely had a minor mental meltdown but I am well and truly back on track.

Decided from now on to just stick to fruit and soup, and the odd bit of veg, and to keep (fingers crossed) to 500 cals max, I've done it before, I can do it again.

I just need to get through this week, get my exams out the way so I can focus on the gym!



I've decided one of my main problems is patience, I want results, and dramatic ones quick, and the minute I lose control for a second, I think my number is up. So I've decided I'm not going to weigh myself until Wednesday, I'm not even sure I'll be able to do that, but I am going to try.

Last night I popped to the supermarket, not half sure whether I was going to be able to control myself, but I came home with a copy of Vogue, ELLE, some Proplus, some Easysleep, some Ducolax and some multivitamins for good measure. I had the first good nights sleep, albeit with some random dreams, I'd had in ages. This is definitely step one, stress really fucks up my sleep so I'm relieved.

Been revising today for a few hours and this is technically my revision break, still got a lot to do but getting there. That's what I've just got to keep reminding myself.

I've got a lot to do. But I'm getting there.

I will get there.

Thanks again to you all.
All my love,
Flo xxxxxx



I'm back on the Kristen Stewart loving, after spotting some great thinspo on Ali Bella's blog, nows all I need to do is get me a Rob Pattinson ;)

Cause what is simple in the moonlight, by the morning never is

And I’m not sure what the trouble was that started all of this
The reasons all have run away but the feeling never did
It’s not something I would recommend, but it is one way to live
Cause what is simple in the moonlight, by the morning never is
What’s so simple in the moonlight, now is so complicated.



To be honest I just don't want to talk about the last 2 days, I skived off work today, I have my most important 2 exams next week so yeah. I feel guilty but ah well.

Was going to be doing a fasting friday yesterday but instead I got hideously drunk, sent some stupid texts to the boy I like, J, and now I'm sitting in bed feeling like a fat failure and I don't want to move. Ever. I'm not even going to attempt calorie estimates for yesterday its probably about a gazillion. Cycled 8 miles but thats still shit. Took about 6 lax at about 3 A.M. so fuck knows when they'll hit?

Told my Dad I'm doing a juice detox, he seems okay with it, think it was kind of in one ear, out the other.

Definitely not going to reach my goal weight on Monday.. fail.
But hopefully by Weds i'll be there.

Thanks for all your comments guys, I feel like a let down.

xxxxx Flo