Day Three - Your Parent

Dear Pops,

I'm sorry if I made you sad today by asking you about your own Dad, and I'm sorry I didn't get you a proper present for Father's Day. Mum's right; I am selfish.

"I don't have a Dad"
was your response, and in that single moment I had to clench my fist so hard not to cry, because you really are such a wonderful Dad, and your pain hurts me.

I'm sorry for all the things I done to make you hurt, and I'm ashamed of the way I've acted to you at times. I want to make you proud in life. I am proud that you are my Dad.

I'm sorry for ever, ever uttering the words, "I hate you", because in those moment I remind myself of mum and it pains me. It actually physically pains me to think I'm am her.

I have to keep reminding myself, as much as I am her, I am you too.
And as long as I model myself on you, I know I'll be okay.

You should know that you not only inspire me, you inspire others around you.

I love you with all my heart.
xxxxxxxxxxx

____________________________________________________________

Reading some of the blogs tonight, I feel inferior.
I'm becoming a recluse.
My friend popped round to see me today because she said I "sounded sad on the phone".
It was nice, lovely infact,
she asked me show her my summer ball dress, I oblidged, shuffling awkwardly down the stairs

"Stop slouching, if you stood up straight you'd look 6 pounds smaller" - Wisdom from the mother,

but Flower told me I looked like a princess.

but
then
she
had
to
go

gone.

And I was sad again,
standing in a ridiculous dress that made me look like a fat five year old. and arms the size of thighs all hanging in their disgusting splendour.

you see

everything is so, instantaneous,
at the moment.

Nothing lasts, but there is no moving on, I
feel like I will be infinitely stuck between exams,

emotions come, and they go,
the rest of the time I feel nothing.

I want to go and get fucked up and lie in a field in the sun listening to the Smiths.

I'm so fucking melodramatic.

Get

over

yourself

Florence.