shes a sensitive soul
the patchwork is parting, leaving gaping holes
need to get out of this city, get out of this town,
get out of the routine that's riding her down,
Sunday, 28 February 2010
Tuesday, 23 February 2010
I love Cheryl Cole.
Today I can finally say, I feel back in control.
Had nothing to eat all day, got in and had a small apple, (80 cals), a ready made quorn cottage pie, (206) cals), and some steam fresh veg, (45 cals), so my total for the day is around 330 ish. Win.
Setting myself the limit of 350 cals per day, think this is definitely do-able, I always feel fine in the day so just a small meal at night suits me, plus it keeps the parents happy.
Got a positive outlook right now.
It can be done.
Oh and here's some Cheryl Cole, soon to be Tweedy again thinspo, because she's gorgeous and Ashley Cole's a wanker.
Had nothing to eat all day, got in and had a small apple, (80 cals), a ready made quorn cottage pie, (206) cals), and some steam fresh veg, (45 cals), so my total for the day is around 330 ish. Win.
Setting myself the limit of 350 cals per day, think this is definitely do-able, I always feel fine in the day so just a small meal at night suits me, plus it keeps the parents happy.
Got a positive outlook right now.
It can be done.
Oh and here's some Cheryl Cole, soon to be Tweedy again thinspo, because she's gorgeous and Ashley Cole's a wanker.
xxxxxxx
Sunday, 21 February 2010
Hello!
Firstly, sorry for all the morose posts, I am in a much better place today :) and as cliche as it sounds tomorrow I am ready to kick start into ACTION.
This post isn't going to be a long one, but just thinspo thinspo thinspo, taking the time this evening to catch up on your blogs and get inspired!
Thank you for the comments on the couple of blogs, Ali Bella <3 you are a diamond (:
Going back to college tomorrow so thank god for a bit of routine!
Flo xxx
Saturday, 20 February 2010
Sad
I am sad for many things right now.
I am sad for my mother. My mother who didn't have a mother, and doesn't know how to be a mother. I am sad that looking at her fills me with hate, when I know it should be love. I know this, yet I still cannot love her. I am sad that she is lonely. I am sad that she is bi-polar. Most of all I am sad that she has pushed her daughter away. I am sad, and scared that I will make those mistakes.
I am sad for my ex-best friend. Sad that she was in so much pain, emotionally, that she created a false persona behind which to hide. I am sad that she too, is lonely, scared and so far deep in her lies that she cannot distinguish the lies from reality. I am sad that she told me she was going to die. I am sad I was stupid enough to believe her and even sadder that I wasn't quick enough to help her. I'm sad that she miscarried her child, but also sad that this thought also relieves me as children are precious and need stability and love, two basic demands that ex-best friend does not have the capacity to give. This too, makes me sad.
I am sad for the ex-boyfriend of said ex-friend. I am sad that he too is in pain. I am sad too that life dealt him the wrong hand. I am sad that his reputation has been tarnished with lies, because he really does have a beautiful soul. I am sad that he feels helpless and scared. I am sad that he feels it's his responsibility to look after her. It is not.
I am sad for my father. I am sad that he is trapped. I am sad that I am selfish, I snap at him, sad that I scream at him and sad that my mother does the same. I am sad because I don't want to be her. I am sad because my Dad really is a working class hero, and he worked for everything he has. Everything I have. And still he feels like he's a nowhere man.
I am sad that I'm not everything I want to be. Or could be. But most of all I'm sad for them.
I am sad for my mother. My mother who didn't have a mother, and doesn't know how to be a mother. I am sad that looking at her fills me with hate, when I know it should be love. I know this, yet I still cannot love her. I am sad that she is lonely. I am sad that she is bi-polar. Most of all I am sad that she has pushed her daughter away. I am sad, and scared that I will make those mistakes.
I am sad for my ex-best friend. Sad that she was in so much pain, emotionally, that she created a false persona behind which to hide. I am sad that she too, is lonely, scared and so far deep in her lies that she cannot distinguish the lies from reality. I am sad that she told me she was going to die. I am sad I was stupid enough to believe her and even sadder that I wasn't quick enough to help her. I'm sad that she miscarried her child, but also sad that this thought also relieves me as children are precious and need stability and love, two basic demands that ex-best friend does not have the capacity to give. This too, makes me sad.
I am sad for the ex-boyfriend of said ex-friend. I am sad that he too is in pain. I am sad too that life dealt him the wrong hand. I am sad that his reputation has been tarnished with lies, because he really does have a beautiful soul. I am sad that he feels helpless and scared. I am sad that he feels it's his responsibility to look after her. It is not.
I am sad for my father. I am sad that he is trapped. I am sad that I am selfish, I snap at him, sad that I scream at him and sad that my mother does the same. I am sad because I don't want to be her. I am sad because my Dad really is a working class hero, and he worked for everything he has. Everything I have. And still he feels like he's a nowhere man.
I am sad that I'm not everything I want to be. Or could be. But most of all I'm sad for them.
Thursday, 18 February 2010
Is anybody out there?
Hello........?
Sorry I haven't posted in a while, I went away for a few days and now I'm too fat to fathom, and in all honestly I just didn't want to face you all. I've basically put on all the weight I lost since I started this blog.
I need to find my control. So I'm just setting myself at 300 calories a day.
We'll see what happens.
I'll post something more meaty tonight, looking forward to catching up on all your blogs.
Missed you all.
Flo xxxxx
Sorry I haven't posted in a while, I went away for a few days and now I'm too fat to fathom, and in all honestly I just didn't want to face you all. I've basically put on all the weight I lost since I started this blog.
I need to find my control. So I'm just setting myself at 300 calories a day.
We'll see what happens.
I'll post something more meaty tonight, looking forward to catching up on all your blogs.
Missed you all.
Flo xxxxx
Saturday, 13 February 2010
WHY
I'm feeling in the ultimate fail mood, as you can probably gather by that feeble excuse for a post below.
SO WHY WOULD MY DAD JUST BRING A SLICE OF CHOCOLATE FUDGE CAKE TO MY ROOM!?!! WITH STRAWBERRIES AND CREAM!?!
WHY.
I want to cry.
I want to disappear.
SO WHY WOULD MY DAD JUST BRING A SLICE OF CHOCOLATE FUDGE CAKE TO MY ROOM!?!! WITH STRAWBERRIES AND CREAM!?!
WHY.
I want to cry.
I want to disappear.
I am a horse.
Sorry it's been a few days,
I've eaten like a horse. Been around people that just seem to want to feed me constantly. Rah.
Taken about 20 laxies that have done nothing.
Worked out today - approx 600 cals, but probably eaten about 10 times that.....
Modelled for my friend yesterday. I'm going to look disgusting in the photos. Eurgh. Just eurgh eurgh eurgh. My belly feels too full. I hate it.
Gym tomorrow.
New day. Restriction.
xxxxx
I've eaten like a horse. Been around people that just seem to want to feed me constantly. Rah.
Taken about 20 laxies that have done nothing.
Worked out today - approx 600 cals, but probably eaten about 10 times that.....
Modelled for my friend yesterday. I'm going to look disgusting in the photos. Eurgh. Just eurgh eurgh eurgh. My belly feels too full. I hate it.
Gym tomorrow.
New day. Restriction.
xxxxx
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